2019 Year in Review: It’s The Climb

One of my best friends is a super strong woman (and right now when I am writing this, I realized that I am surrounded by a lot of powerful women). I can count by one hand how many times she shared her sadness or any life challenges she faces on social media. She always looks “happy”, although I am sure deep down inside she is crushed. 

I, actually wanted to learn from her. 

But I cannot. 

I always believe that I write to share. I hope my writings make someone who might be far away from me, can realize that he/she is not alone. His/her feelings are valid, and although the world seems against him/her, there is still a hope.

However, this year is one of the shittiest years in my life, like ever. One day I feel like I am the poorest human in the world – like literally. One day I feel like I lost everything in life, even my dignity. This year I had so many suicidal thoughts because I am afraid of what will come next, and I know that I didn’t take care of myself well. I seek pleasure in places or things I’ve never imagined myself will involve to. I ran far away from God because I was disappointed often. I just don’t know who I was anymore. 

But this post is not about that. This post is about me, trying to rise up from the underground. This post is about me, even when it’s really really hard, trying to see the positive side of life; or simply what kind of lessons I have learned throughout the year. For once, as I also don’t want to go back and reminisce all those stupidities that I have done, I will try to write my Year in Review in a different way. I have set the intention to write this post as a way to be grateful for every little thing that has happened. I hope it will help me to start the new year with a lot more positive thoughts, and so let’s start from the biggest event of this year… 

Toxic

“…sometimes you’re the one something it’s happening to and other times you’re the one it’s happening through.” – Maryam Hasnaa

One of these days, I checked my old diaries and blog posts, then I realized that my biggest achievement is not chosen as one of the finalists of World Muslimah Award; obtained scholarship from SYLFF for my Master Degree; contributed in a world-class literature festival; self-published a book; or maintained an Instagram account from zero to 1,000 followers. 

My biggest achievement is… to stay alive. 

I know it sounds shallow at one point, as I do believe that every single person in this planet has his/her own problem. But often, right at the time it came to you like a storm, you just… tired of life. 

This year is another year that I have to keep telling myself that everything is going to be okay. If it is not happening today, it will happen tomorrow. But ‘that’ tomorrow is not coming (yet), even when there are only four months left in 2019. 

I became paranoid, as if life wouldn’t let me smiling all day long. If I start a day smiling, there will be something occurred in the afternoon or right before I sleep. If I sleep smiling, I will have a nightmare. Life has crushed me like an avocado in a juicer. Shapeless, almost heartless.

Day by day, I started feeling numb. I act recklessly, because I think at the end of the day nobody is safe enough from anything bad. I wish I could say that I still believe in karma, but I know karma doesn’t always work the way we want to.  

I smiled, I laughed, I frowned, I cried… but deep in my heart I know those emotions are not make sense. I was happy for the ‘wrong’ reasons, and I was sad for the ‘right’ reasons. From time to time, I feel like my soul is leaving my body and I am watching it from afar, make fun of things I do. ‘Look, she is doing something stupid again. What a naïve girl!’ Thereafter a new day arrived, and I wait what kind of stupidity or craziness I will do (or repeat). 

And I feel like I lost the last pieces of me, the one that usually I count on to – it just simply torn apart.

I am damaged.

I am useless.

My motivation just evaporated among the people I met and the privilege they have and their success stories and how life seems very easy for them and how life seems very very very difficult for me. Period. No matter how many times I try to pick myself up, I ended up believing that… 

I must be the unluckiest person in the world. 

Only when I am sober enough, I can recollect the puzzles and I became aware that sometimes it is not just about myself. As the quote above said, life has been taught me so much I become confused on which one is the lesson I have to absorb on my own and which one is not actually for me – but for people around me.

What happened for the last two weeks is definitely another new beginning for me. At first, it seems like there is no solutions so I intensified the frequency of talking to myself. What do I want? What do I don’t want? Revealing the problems to my friends were also challenging and I pick them carefully because I need someone who knows the background of the story. 

So I said to my best friends, I am not going back to Surabaya. After leaving the city in the end of 2014, I have sworn to never look back. There is no way that I would coming back to that kind of life. I deserve to [not only be happier] but also accepting the consequences of my choice. And, I wouldn’t let this toxic person who has suppressed me for more than 23 years – to take an ‘advantage’ of getting my help again and again. It is not a revenge, it is self-love, a thing that I have been learning laboriously and costed me a lifetime. I wouldn’t harm my future by going down that road again, the one that worth my sanity. 

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, next month, or next year – but I know one thing for sure, to live with her under the same roof – again – will demolish what I am trying to build. And I know I don’t want to risk – even the hard life I am having which is for me, is still good enough than what she can offer. Worse, both of us know she doesn’t have anything to offer.

I have been always trying so hard – or maybe too hard – to be a good daughter for her. And all of my unanswerable questions to her returning to me, pinching me all over my body, and confiscating my mental health. I should have let her go years ago. 

And I am finally doing it today. 

Good bye,

Dita

Ubud 101: Panduan Wisata Ubud Paling Lengkap (Bagian 2) – Makanan Halal, Penginapan Hemat, dan Transportasi

Baca dulu: Ubud 101: Panduan Wisata Ubud Paling Lengkap (Bagian 1) – Aktivitas dan Spot Foto Paling Kece

Kembali lagi dalam ulasan wisata Ubud bersama saya yang sudah tinggal di Ubud selama setahun tapi merasa masih belum kenal-kenal amat sama daerah ini, hehehe. As I wrote this blog post, I asked around to my expat colleagues because I believe they also have their own ‘unique’ experiences with Ubud. One office mate said that Ubud is about food and café, like it’s one of the best place to do café-hopping in Bali or even if you want to try local culinary (with ‘bule’-kind of style restaurant [and of course the price]). Another said that Ubud is about nice accommodation where you don’t feel like you want to be out all day long because just like I wrote in the first part, there isn’t much things to do/see in Ubud. Cocok banget sama bahasan bagian kali ini, karena saya akan mengulik wisata Ubud dari sisi makanan halal dan akomodasi murah di Ubud (serta hal-hal lain juga).

Pilihan Makanan Halal di Ubud

Image credit: @stasiadelimarta (kiri), @nomadlife.io (kanan)

Tenang Pemirsa, makanan halal mudah sekali ditemukan di Ubud. Kalau mau murah meriah layaknya di Jawa, bisa mengunjungi Sayan Night Market. Tapi kalau mau yang penting halal dengan harga lumayan ‘normal’ seperti 25,000-30,000 IDR per porsi, berikut beberapa favorit saya:

• Warung Barokah Surabaya “Pak Kumis” dekat Patung Arjuna Peliatan, pastikan kamu tanya harga makanannya terlebih dahulu – penjualnya kerap memberikan harga ‘suka-suka’.
• Warung Ijo dekat Pasar Ubud, tapi saya terakhir ke sini tahun 2017, haha. Menunya lebih ke masakan warteg dengan berbagai sayur dan lauk (tapi enak kok).
• Warung Borneo “8” dekat Kantor Pos Ubud, favorit saya: all thing kwetiau dan sapo tahu.
• Ayam Goreng Asli Prambanan, tapi saya lebih suka ayam bakar terus minta kremes yang banyak.
• Warung Igelanca, saya cuma sekali ke sini karena menurut saya taste masakan Warung Borneo “8” lebih enak.
• Bakmie Arga di Peliatan: ‘pelipur lara’ kalau saya lagi pengin yamin atau mie ayam yang insyaAllah halal.
• Tips tambahan: kalau mau cari makanan yang beneran murah, lebih baik ke arah Peliatan atau Desa MAS. Di sini banyak orang Jawa yang buka warung kaki lima, rumah makan Padang, ada juga Mie Aceh yang enak banget (di Jl. Raya Teges dekat SPBU dan Warung D’Ubud, tapi hanya buka pada malam hari).

Mau lunch atau dinner dengan budget ‘menengah’, yang bisa saya rekomendasikan:

• Bali Buda, ada label halal dan menunya banyak – dijamin bingung memilih, favorit saya: Chicken Curry Pita.
• Halal Ubud Burger, tapi jujur saya kurang suka karena ‘patty’-nya agak kering.

Teman kantor kerap merekomendasikan Bubur Bali yang bisa dibeli di Pasar Ubud pada pagi hari, yang mana saya baru pernah mencoba satu kali saja. Terus sekarang saya bingung gimana mendeskripsikan buburnya, hihihi. Well, silakan cari sendiri ya.

Selebihnya, untuk makanan halal di Ubud kamu bisa pesan menu vegetarian atau vegan di berbagai restoran, dari mulai Alchemy, Clear Cafe, Warung Semesta, Sari Organik, Roti Daal, dan sebagainya (dengan harga mulai dari 75,000IDR per orang). Intinya jangan takut kelaparan atau jatuh miskin untuk keperluan logistik (perut) di Ubud, there are hundreds of choices!

Notes: kebanyakan tempat makan di Ubud tutup pukul 21.30-22.30WITA (termasuk berbagai coffee shop), jadi usahakan kamu makan malam lebih awal kalau mau nongkrong agak lama. Saya sering banget ‘diusir’ dari restoran karena mereka mau tutup dan saya + teman-teman masih keasyikan ngobrol. :))

Ubud 101: Panduan Wisata Ubud Paling Lengkap (Bagian 1) – Aktivitas dan Spot Foto Paling Kece

Image credit: @andathousandwords (kiri), @stephng4 (kanan)

Disclaimer:
1.    Hampir semua informasi yang tertera di blog post ini adalah berdasarkan pengalaman saya pribadi atau kenalan/teman – setiap pengalaman bisa berbeda tergantung situasi, kondisi, dan ekspektasi.
2.    Saya tidak mendapatkan komisi apapun dari penyertaan informasi di sini (hahaha) – jadi kalau mau membantu perekonomian saya, boleh kasih proyek terjemahan Inggris-Indonesia (dan Indonesia-Inggris) atau copywriting/artikel. InsyaAllah layanan memuaskan dan harga bersahabat. :D

Satu tahun telah saya lewati di Ubud dengan segala asam-garamnya dari mulai fase ‘bulan madu’ yang super membahagiakan, hingga sekarang kalau bisa dibilang yaaaaa… gitu deh. Namanya juga kerja: ada deadline, ada tekanan, ada yang bikin emosi, dan sebagainya. But a whole experience in Ubud is surely fulfilling and I am grateful for everything that has happened. Untuk rangkuman tentang kehidupan saya di Ubud selama setahun belakangan bisa dibaca di sini (sekalian follow dong, hehe).

Berhubung saya datang ke Ubud untuk bekerja, jujur saya tidak terlalu bernafsu untuk mengeksplorasi wisata Ubud, atau bahkan wisata Bali pada umumnya. Maklum, tahun lalu saya bergabung dengan Ubud Writers & Readers Festival lima bulan menjelang hari H, sehingga perhatian dan energi saya jelas tersita. Memang tahun ini saya punya lebih banyak waktu luang dan hari libur untuk piknik tipis-tipis. Apalagi dengan adanya – ehem – Tinder, jadi enggak repot kalau mau cari travel buddy [#abaikan]. Tapi sumpah, aktivitas wisata yang saya lakukan enggak se-menantang turis lainnya. Ya secara kalaupun mau jalan-jalan pada akhir pekan, Senin saya harus kerja lagi ye kan.

Hanya saja, pertanyaan tentang wisata Ubud terus berdatangan ke saya. Padahal informasi tentang Ubud dari para travel blogger – yang saking terkenalnya, bisa menginap di Kamandalu secara gratis – berlimpah! Mungkin you guys berpikir saya punya sudut pandang berbeda, lalu saya rasa juga “why not?” – bagi-bagi informasi kan berpahala. So here we go, panduan wisata Ubud (semoga) paling lengkap.

Monday Journal: Q1 2019

Hari Senin kemarin saya tidak menulis Monday Journal karena beberapa alasan. Awalnya saya berpikir hendak menggabungkan cerita dua minggu lalu pada hari ini, karena… kita memasuki bulan baru! MasyaAllah, time flies! Kalau dalam pekerjaan, ada yang namanya kuartal dan kita sudah melewati kuartal pertama. Waktunya melakukan evaluasi, terutama untuk saya pribadi yang merasa hidup saya selama tiga bulan pertama pada tahun 2019 ini kacau balau. Sooo, I hope this self-evaluation of mine will give you a lesson or two.

Pertama, saya melakukan sebuah kesalahan yang sangat besar yaitu: menggantungkan hidup saya kepada seorang manusia. Seolah-olah seluruh masa depan saya terpengaruh dari keputusan yang dia ambil. Suatu saat saya pernah gusar dan bingung, lalu saya berbincang dengan sahabat saya, seperti ini:

Saya: “But I want to chase my dreams.”
Sahabat: “Bukannya your dream itu live with him happily ever after?”

THANK GOD saya enggak memutuskan untuk hijrah ke ibu kota demi si dia (well we never know what might happen if I did that, but still…). For a woman who strongly believe that I can create my own future, this guy has turned my life upside down and after some days contemplating, I know I don’t like this kind of idea. Butuh waktu untuk menyadari bahwa yang kemarin patah hati itu bukan sejatinya diri saya, karena saya yang sebenar-benarnya tidak merasa menyesal mencintai dia. Saya bersyukur diizinkan Allah mengenal dia dan jatuh cinta untuk sesuatu yang menurut kacamata saya, ‘baik’. Cinta yang saya curahkan menunjukkan betapa saya memang seperti itu: senang memedulikan orang lain, penuh kasih, dan naif (kalau mau dibilang bodoh, ya enggak apa-apa juga #sadardiri). Orang bilang nama itu doa, dan karena nama tengah saya diambil dari nama Allah, “Ar-Rahman”, maka itulah doa orangtua saya terhadap saya:

The Lovingly Beneficent, Most Kind and Gracious

Monday Journal #10 & #11

I’m back! Dua minggu terakhir saya seperti sedang menaiki roller-coaster yang tidak henti-hentinya mengejutkan saya dengan tanjakan dan turunan yang curam. Namun begitu, hari ini merupakan awal dari minggu yang baru dan eventually saya bersyukur atas segala apa yang terjadi. Saya manusia biasa yang bisa jatuh terpuruk, dan di saat-saat itulah saya hanya mampu berkata lirih, “Ya Allah, I want Your justice”. Sungguh, saya sama sekali tidak merasa pantas mendapatkan keadilan dari-Nya, tetapi jika bukan kepada-Nya saya mengadu, kepada siapa lagi?

Semuanya berawal pada hari Selasa, 5 Maret. Sesuatu terjadi hingga membuat saya melupakan ulang tahun adik saya. Sebenarnya saya sempat menulis sedikit pada hari Kamis, 8 Maret; tapi saya tidak sanggup melanjutkannya. Berikut nukilannya.

As a girl who promises to always see the sunshine even in the darkest storm, first thing first let me say “Alhamdulillah” for everything that happened during last week*. Finally, my prayer has been answered, and once again I have to remind myself that this is the best thing that Allah gives to me right now. He knows what I don’t know, He sees what I don’t see. “Innaka anta ‘allamul ghuyub”.

*Karena saya bermaksud mem-post tulisan ini pada hari Senin, 11 Maret.

However, there were some good things and bad things about the ‘accident’. The bad thing was: sadly, I didn’t ‘celebrate’ Nyepi in Bali, and I had to cancel my plan to go to Singaraja. I am glad that my travel buddy (found her in Facebook group, OMG!) was so understanding; but now I have to set another time to go to Singaraja. Last week was perfect for me because my ngaji student also having their Nyepi holiday, and my weekends ahead will be full with teaching, writing, and preparing Ubud Food Festival. And then Ramadan comes! MasyaAllah. Terus aku kapaaan liburannyaaaaa.

The good thing, he launched ‘the bomb’ on Tuesday. That day my team were busy announcing the theme for Ubud Writers & Readers Festival 2019, and we were so ecstatic. His message burst out among the positive feedback; yet still my face got pale instantly, my hands and feet felt so cold, then I ran to my office backyard… crying for one hour straight. Some of my office mates came and hugged me, then they asked me to book the ticket right away. They encouraged me to go home because it will be too depressing for me to be in Bali at Nyepi. As the bus ticket has been sold out (of course), I bought any earliest train ticket from Banyuwangi to Malang, and searched for information on how I could get out from Bali before the gates closed on Wednesday evening. I am truly blessed to have my office mates, my boss, and my General Manager because they were like, “it’s okay, we can take care of this, you may take care of yourself”. So yeah, even though it took me almost 36 hours, I eventually arrived at my home in Malang. Alhamdulillah!!!

I am sad and shock that the decision has been made at last. Me and the guy I was in love with will no longer have any chance to be together, even though I begged Allah for giving me time to pray until Ramadan. But this is the outcome that makes it easier for me to move forward. I chose to let go a best friend than losing myself, and I am happy to do it. 

Readers Who Write: My Earliest Piece of Creative Writing

Today I am going to bring you for some throwbacks as the question is…

What is the earliest piece of creative writing you can remember starting? Was it a poem, short story, novel, etc.? What was it about? Did you finish the first draft?

I started journaling when I was so little. My mom works full time and usually will be home at 4-5PM, so she asked me to write any activities that I do before she arrives. Basically my diary contained with story of my day, including what I have learned at school and the television series that I watch while waiting for her.

Oh that’s not creative writing. Right. Hahaha. Okay so my first piece of writings was… poem. Yes, I wrote a lot of it! Long ones. I joined some writing competitions during elementary school, and there were times I got rejected because my poem was too long. I don’t remember who were my muses, but I remember I wrote a lot about politics. Iyaaa, beneraaan. I wrote about how we can be a better Indonesian citizen, stuffs like that.

Some years later, I switched to essays because it gives me more space to express my thoughts. Yet, my words were ‘flowery’ when Taufik Ismail read my writing in a competition, he said I should write poems instead. But I never really learn how to write, those years my writings were so raw it came straight from my mind and unedited. My library teacher as the editor only helped picking up the correct words from Kamus Besar Bahasa Indonesia – that’s why Kamus and Dictionary become two of my most favorite books ever since.

In 2009, I began to blog and realized it’s a good medium to publish my writings. I can write everything as I like, and I used Tumblr that time. In 2011, I founded a blog named HeloKim, and this is something I want to share you about. HeloKim was built based on my thesis about foreign football players, and I posted most of the writings there using one person POV. So this Korean football player, I gave him name JH Kim, telling his daily life stories on the blog. I covered some topics from habits and culture of Korean, his difficulties in trying to survive in Indonesia, until his love life. Turned out, some people think JH Kim is a real person, and sent me emails! I was surprised and it motivated me to transform it into a novel draft.

The blog header, sorry if it's cheesy. 😅

However, it’s been EIGHT years now (Oh my God) and I haven’t finished it yet. I am too clueless to keep writing. I don’t know how to start over again, I also don’t have any idea about the ending. All I can imagine is the characters (because it is based on true story). Unfortunately, although experienced the stories myself, this ‘JH Kim’ and I didn’t have any ending. We just… stopped talking. Lha kalau aku bikin akhirnya begitu, bisa dikeplak pembaca ye kan?

It’s been my biggest dream to accomplish it, and I really wish there will be a production house who wants to bring it into movie (talking about DREAM). Only this year might not be the best time for it, I can’t recall where I put the draft ((-_-)). Perhaps next year I will be back to this project, get some senses of football matches and Korean culture. This, will not only be one of the highest achievement in my writing ‘career’, but also perpetuates my memories with some people who changed my mind about love and life. So… stay tune!

Lots of love,

Prima     

Readers Who Write: Favorite Book as a Child

Apart of Monday Journal #9, please be aware that I also write another blog series called “Readers Who Write”, and this is my third submission:

What was your favorite book as a child? Would you give it as an age-appropriate present? Why or why not?

When I was a child, I have profound memories with two book series: Sesame Street and Widya Wiyata Pertama Anak – Mengapa Begini Mengapa Begitu. I didn’t have complete series but I have a shelf full with the books. Right now when I browse the images from Google, I feel the warmth… oh, how those days are so full of happiness – look at me now, I have been single for the last EIGHT years, have a miserable life as deadlines and so on and so forth are chasing. What.a.life. #lahcurhat

Anyway, I think my mom understand since the beginning that I am an active child. I like to do a lot of activities at school, I make friends easily, and I cannot stop talking. So my mom had to find a book to make me stay quiet for some hours, i.e. when I came home from kindergarten/elementary school and I have to wait for my mom finished working. The book doesn’t only have to give me insightful knowledge (because I like being smart, ha ha), but also give me meaningful perspective about life. So both series ticked the needs.

Monday Journal #9

Sabtu pagi dalam perjalanan ke kantor untuk lembur, saya melangitkan doa, “Ya Allah, tolong beri aku semangat untuk hidup”. Saya tidak sedang berbohong. Saya mencintai pekerjaan saya; berbahagia karena sudah terpisah jarak dengan beberapa orang yang kerap menyakiti saya; dan mulai bisa menerima kenyataan bahwa inilah skenario terbaik yang Allah tetapkan untuk saya sekarang. Tentu ada alasan mengapa semua yang saya harapkan atau rencanakan sepanjang bulan Desember-Januari lalu gagal (atau mendekati gagal – atau belum berhasil), dan toh Bali is not a bad idea. Iya kalau misalnya saya terpaksa berada di Timbuktu (itu dimana sih?) atau pelosok Papua Nugini misalnya, wajar jika saya mengeluh. Lha ini saya menjadi bagian dalam festival sastra (dan kuliner) terbesar di Asia Tenggara – yang mana kantornya punya pemandangan nan indah, lalu pulang kerja atau akhir pekan saya mengajar ngaji. Kalau mau liburan, tempat wisata di Bali bejibun. Apa sih yang kurang dalam hidup saya?

Minggu lalu, saya belajar satu hal: bahwa kebahagiaan bukan berarti hilangnya kesedihan sama sekali. Kebahagiaan adalah ketika kita mampu menerima dan bersyukur atas apapun yang terjadi; dan kesedihan itu akan selalu ada karena yang namanya hidup enggak mungkin enak doang. But when we are ‘happy’, we consider the sadness is a ‘beautiful’ addition in life. Also, life can’t be bad alllll the time, right?

However, at this point, I can’t see things beyond this year. Kalau ada orang yang bertanya, apakah saya akan terus di Ubud, saya akan jawab tidak tahu. Kalau dilanjutkan dengan pertanyaan, apa yang akan saya lakukan tahun depan, saya akan jawab tidak tahu. I simply don’t have any plan, and some parts of me mad at myself to not have any spirit to plan. Halah, ribet. Intinya, saya sedang kesal sama diri sendiri yang seperti tidak punya motivasi untuk menjalani hidup ke depannya. Yang ada di pikiran saya adalah menjalani hari demi hari, besok? Lihat besok.

Padahal saya sadar bahwa dunia ini punya begitu banyak masalah, dan apakah saya hanya akan menjadi manusia yang berprinsip ‘urip mung mampir ngopi’ (dan bahkan saya bukan peminum kopi)? Sejak saya ikut kegiatannya One Island One Voice: Bali’s Biggest Clean Up pertengahan Februari lalu, saya terus menerus kepikiran tentang sampah di muka bumi. Itu belum termasuk isu RUU PKS, dan dengan demikian saya berpikiran, bagaimana caranya untuk membuka wawasan para muslimah muda tentang hal-hal yang penting untuk diperbincangkan? I don’t want us to be ignorant. Apa kita harus puas jika dilahirkan ke bumi ini, lalu pergi tanpa berusaha mengubah bumi ini menjadi tempat yang lebih baik? What’s MY legacy for the world?

Readers Who Write: What I Listen To When I Write

Okay, the next question is...

Do you prefer silence, music or other sounds when you write? Does your preference change depending upon what you're writing?

I have dealt with varied situations that making me realized there is no such thing as the ‘perfect’ writing environment. However, I can only start a writing in complete silence (a bit of noisy sounds is okay, though). Once I got the ‘shape’ of what I want to write, then I can listen to my favorite playlist, usually contains any easy listening songs that popular recently. If I have my wudu, I will listen to Quran recitation, most of the time it’s Fatih Seferagic because his voice is a bit louder and clearer than any other qari’.

When I work – as basically my works require me to write, I prefer to not listening anything in the morning. It is because my brain has been full with my to-do list that day, so I need to shut it up and focus. Approaching the lunch time, if I got stuck, I will listen to classical songs. Really, I am not kidding. Then after lunch, I will listen to any upbeat songs that played on YouTube randomly for 1-2 hours.

What I was thinking in couple last days is, unfortunately I cannot write (or read) and listen to podcast at the same time. Perhaps because podcast ‘forces’ us to process the information thoroughly, unlike music that can be played as we work on anything else. So then, I listen to podcast when I am at the gym or my room.

In the other side, I do recommend you to listen to Quran recitation when you work. It doesn’t only help you to concentrate, but you can also memorize Quran faster. I was just aware of this some days ago, as the imam recited Ar-Rahman, I can follow him seamlessly! MasyaAllah.

What about you? What kind of music you listen to when you write?

Love,
Prima

Readers Who Write: 3 Most Recent Books I've Acquired

Hi everyone! I can’t believe it’s already MARCH yet I still feel like December last year. After taking two months break from real work (at the office I mean…); my brain needs to adapt with office hours, sitting and facing laptop the whole day, then going back to my room with nothing important to do… Well, I have been wondering what I should write this year, of course I want to start writing another book. The project of ‘Antologi Ramadan 2019’ has been postponed because I am considering ideas, topics, contributors, and I even think about the launch etc. Anyhow, this time I plan to make it much better than my previous book, and I am eager to create an unforgettable experience for everyone who takes part in it. But the most urgent thing to do, is to practice writing again and again. I feel like I haven’t found ‘me’ – but it’s actually good to know I still can write a long post like this post last week. I have been starting to read more books since I arrived in Bali just to get some senses. Then I found this blog post about “30 Day Post Challenge for Readers Who Write”, and I was like… “let’s do this!”   

So, within this month I will answer some questions to show my love on books and whatsoever every two days. It is due to my limited English skill (ha ha), I can only response to questions that I understand completely (and I know how to write a good answer as well). I will also choose it randomly, depends on my mood (hehe). But this is the stuff I need to melemaskan jari dan memaksa otak untuk berpikir.

The very first question is…

What are the three most recent books you've acquired? What inspired you to buy them? Where/how did you get them?

Since the question doesn’t explicitly ask if I READ those books, and if I don’t count the books that I got from my office’ library, hmmm, I will be honest with you guys. Before I went to Bali, I bought three books:

1. H. Rusydi Hamka – Pribadi dan Martabat Buya Hamka
2. Quraish Shihab – Islam yang Saya Anut: Dasar-Dasar Ajaran Islam
3. Yasmin Mogahed – Love & Happiness

Unfortunately, from 3 books above, I have only read the last one. I haven’t even unwrapping the first one, lol. The reason was because, I was indeed looking for a nonfiction book in religious genre, but then I lost my mood to read it. Also, Quraish Shihab's explanation is really heavy (the reviews said that this book is the first one of the series), so it’s not the kind of book that I can read in casual manner. I have to make special time to read and comprehend it page by page. That’s why I don’t bother to bring the book to Bali (but I bring the ‘Buya Hamka’ book). I forgot where I bought the ‘Buya Hamka’, but if I am not mistaken, I bought the second and third book at Gramedia Royal Plaza – in one of those nights where I spend it with Tita and we were boring so we were like, “let’s go to the mall”. Hahaha, girls. I finished the ‘Yasmin Mogahed’ book in the train to Sidoarjo to visit Vinka. It’s full of quotes about love and happiness (for sure). The pages are not really connected to each other, so you will feel like jump from one quote to another. But it doesn’t matter anyway, you still can feel related to any quotes inside the book. You can check my Instagram post for this book, here.

I aim to obtain more Islamic insights from these books as I need to establish my book – that will be ‘another Islamic book’. However, just like Perjalanan Menuju Cahaya, I want broader audience to enjoy it as well. Thus, I was thinking to read an Islamic book that gives me ‘new’ perspective on how to be a good Muslim, in the lightest way if possible. I haven’t read any writing of Buya Hamka – sadly – but yes, indeed I have heard about him many times. That’s why I bought these books. Anyway, it’s not that I am saying that the ‘Quraish Shihab’ book disappointing me, I still want to read it one day. But for now, I might be looking for more 'easy' book. Got any recommendations?

Love,
Prima

Monday Journal #8

FINALLY, I can reveal the full lineup of Ubud Food Festival KYAAAAA~~~ Check them here: Ubud Food Festival website.

Working for the biggest literature festival in Southeast Asia – and respectively international food festival, let me tell you: it’s just difficult to keep secrets of the speakers, programs, activities, and so on. Often I am too excited when we get signed agreement from them, and all I can do is writing it down in my journal. Because, if I open up – my boss will discontinue my contract (OH NO); and, unfortunately, there will always be a possibility the speaker cancels their presence. That’s why, don’t you ever ask, “Prim, who will show up at UWRF19?” My lips are sealed!!!

Anyway, I am starting this week with exhaustion because last week I entered another phase of my life in Bali. I already have some ngaji students, and I also am engaging with several projects. Then, my mom surprisingly came to Bali on Saturday. Oh, I will share the story a bit later, but perhaps you know that I have stopped talking with her for some weeks now. So, when she attended my ngaji class, I was like… “what?” Qadarullah, some days before, I got a call from a woman who needs a guru ngaji for her sister-in-law who can’t read Alquran at all. As my mom is coming without any plan, I asked her if she wants to teach that person. She is happy doing it, and so we spent the weekend to teach the woman (and I have other students as well). 

In Sunday evening, my mom and I went to my place in Gianyar because she wants to see where I stay. Of course she was also eager to see my office. And that’s how I am so tired at the moment… 

I know some people will judge me, saying how I should be grateful to have my mom still around, alive and healthy. But there are things you don’t know and I am not sure if I can reveal it soon. Whenever I want to share the whole stories, I felt like… “but I don’t need the world to see my pain inside.” Every single day I learn to forgive my mom for what she has done to me. In the other side, I learn to not feeling too guilty for ‘leaving’ her to pursue my dreams. I still have a long long way and I don’t want to feed her ego… Well, every person is tested with different kind of trial, and maybe mine is my mom. Whatever it is, may all those hardships bring us closer to Allah’s blessings, aamiin. 

Love,

Prima       

10 Quran Verses to Relieve Your Broken Heart

He’s not my type of man, at least from his physique. He is handsome and has fit body – two qualities of men which usually make me feel insecure. Ya eyalah, secara muka pas-pasan, pakai baju kadang serampangan, lipstik sering ketinggalan, apalagi bedak – sudah sejak lama terlupakan. Sadar diri ya tho~ But then we exchanged our books, and we talked. If it isn’t obvious by now, I have been always attracted to smart guys and he is one of those guys who can get me like “oh really?” everytime he tells me something new. That time he worked as a political journalist and lecturer, so I got encouraged to read more. He often asking me questions about Islam, and my automatic response be like, “wait, let me browse for a more trustworthy insight”. Sadly, not too long after our introduction, his mom condition got worse. Then I booked the flight ticket to Jakarta in July… without knowing that it was the first and last time I met his mom. That trip made me realized there is something really interesting about him. Soon after I arrived in Bali, he asked me to collaborate for a project. And I was like… “yaaah, ini mah friendzone.” *nangis di pojokan* 

Still, I joined the project because the purpose is good. I also tried to resist my feeling because I am questioning myself. Being with him means accepting his mom as well, and I was doubtful if I could give my best. It was in my nature because I am not even close with my mom. Eventually, I ‘proposed’ him in the end of September because there was one and only thing I chased: the reward from Allah. This, sparked arguments between me and the girl who introduced us. She couldn’t take the idea of me turning down my dreams to accompany him. Well, he rejected my proposal though. I moved forward with my life… until his mom passed away last month. I was sad for not having more opportunities to get to know his mom. That night on the train to Jakarta, I texted my best friend, “what if I cry in front of him?” She said, “don’t! You’ll make him sadder. Give him a lot of smile, I know you can make him happy.” And I was proud of myself to successfully hold my tears for one week. 

However, at one point, I realized I don’t merely like him. I love him because I am happy when he is happy, and I want the best for him. His corny jokes made me giggling, and being away from him tortured me. I know we haven’t done a lot of stuffs together but even if we have limited chances, it’s always high-quality time (I liked it the most when we went to the mosques). And I think that he is grateful to have me around…

…or at least that’s what I believed in. 

Monday Journal #7

Hari Senin dan Kamis minggu lalu, saya mencoba untuk puasa sunah. Tujuannya supaya kurus buat latihan menjelang bulan Ramadan, semacam ‘pemanasan’ dan membiasakan diri. Apalagi Ramadan tahun ini saya akan berpuasa sambil bekerja di kantor secara penuh waktu, dan commuting dengan motor sejauh 13km sekali jalan. It’s a very big deal for me as the last time I worked in Ramadan was in 2014. Sisanya, diisi dengan kuliah atau mengerjakan tesis – yang sebenarnya enggak ringan juga. Tapi bukan bekerja yang membuat saya merasa berat. Belum-belum saya merasa sedih saat membayangkan seharian puasa itu tidak dimaksimalkan untuk salat sunah atau membaca Alquran. Yaaa, semoga ada cara agar Ramadan tidak terlewatkan begitu saja. Aamiin. 

Ma’la Bin Fadhal berkata: “Dulu Sahabat Rasulullah berdoa kepada Allah sejak enam bulan sebelum masuk Ramadhan agar Allah sampaikan umur mereka ke bulan yang penuh berkah itu. Kemudian selama enam bulan sejak Ramadhan berlalu, mereka berdoa agar Allah terima semua amal ibadah mereka di bulan itu. Di antara doa mereka ialah: Yaa Allah, sampaikan aku ke Ramadhan dalam keadaan selamat. Yaa Allah, selamatkan aku saat Ramadhan dan selamatkan amal ibadahku di dalamnya sehingga menjadi amal yang diterima.” (HR. at Thabrani: 2/1226). [Sumber]

Kembali ke saya, ternyata minggu lalu saya malah nge-drop. Sebenarnya ada andil dari psikosomatis yang saya alami, tapi saya enggak pernah sakit perut seperti itu! Hari Kamis saya putuskan tetap lanjut puasa sambil ‘mengistirahatkan’ perut, dan Alhamdulillah sakitnya hilang. Cumaaa, dehidrasinya semakin parah (ya iyalah). Terpaksa hari ini saya skip puasa dulu, terutama karena saya masih belum terbiasa motoran Denpasar-Gianyar (jauuuh, capeeek, punggung remeeek).

Bagaimanapun, berhubung saya sudah berkomitmen untuk pindah kos sejauh itu DEMI dekat dengan masjid, ya ‘mau enggak mau’ saya membiasakan diri untuk salat di masjid setiap isya’ (penginnya sih sejak sebelum magrib sudah standby di masjid, tapi biasanya baru nyampe kos). So, how is life in Gianyar? Kotanya kecil walaupun Gianyar justru merupakan pusat kabupatennya Ubud. Perbandingannya Gianyar mungkin Tulungagung, Jawa Timur. Sepertinya sejauh mata memandang, orang tinggal di Gianyar karena mengikuti suami/ayah yang menjadi tentara atau polisi. Ada juga mahasiswa sekolah perhotelan atau akademi pariwisata, tapi populasi warga yang lebih banyak adalah yang sudah berkeluarga. Makanya setiap kenalan di masjid atau ngobrol sama orang di supermarket (hahaha it’s not even a C*rrefour or Super*ndo), orang pasti heran sama saya. Kerja di Ubud, masih single, what the hell are you doing in this tiny city?    

Hingga saat ini saya pribadi belum begitu betah di Gianyar. Biar dikata Ubud is just too touristy, tapi orang-orang di Ubud sangat hangat dan ramah. But we’ll see, maybe I need 1-2 weeks more to be settled in this city. If not, I can always move back to Ubud. Entah mengapa, akhir-akhir ini saya enggak mau hidup saya dibuat susah atau repot oleh hal-hal ‘kecil’. Semua masalah di dunia ini PASTI ada solusinya. Kalau sampai belum kelar, ya mungkin memang belum waktunya. At least we tried, and we pray for it. So, whatever you are facing at the moment, don’t lose hope. Allah knows your struggle, He just wants to see your patience. Sampai kapan harus bersabar? Ya sampai nanti, sampai mati. :)

Lots of love,

Prima

Monday Journal #6

dan bahwasanya Dialah yang menjadikan orang tertawa dan menangis, (Q.S. An-Najm (53): 43)

Sekitar dua hari yang lalu, saya mengatakan kepada sahabat bahwa hidup saya tak ubahnya seperti sedang naik rollercoaster: sebentar happy, sebentar gila. Sering saya komat-kamit berdoa, “Ya Allah, tolong jangan buat aku jantungan dengan skenario-Mu.” Bayangkan saja, Kamis malam saya bingung sebingung-bingungnya karena sudah mentok, tetiba keesokan paginya saya dapat bantuan bertubi-tubi dari teman-teman… lalu sorenya saya mem-block semua kontak mama dan adik saya karena bertengkar habis-habisan di telepon. Ya, begitulah hidup. You can plan, but you have to prepare yourself for all the surprises. 

Lalu bagaimana caranya menguatkan mental untuk menjalani hari-hari? Saya pribadi sedang berupaya memperbaiki salat, dari mulai wajib, sunah rawatib, dan salat-salat yang lain. Saya juga belajar untuk lebih khusyuk dengan cara menyelami makna bacaan salat dan surat pendek. Pada suatu waktu, saya pernah hampir ambruk karena mencoba menginternalisasi kalimat takbir. Iya, ‘Allahu Akbar’ yang biasa kita bacakan sambil lalu untuk mengawali salat. Kali itu, saya mengumpulkan semua konsentrasi yang saya punya dan ‘mengucap’ Allahu Akbar dari hati. Ya Allah, rasanya tubuh saya ingin bersungkur – bersujud dan tidak bangun lagi. 

“…menggemakan Allahu Akbar merupakan penegasan hakiki tentang betapa kecilnya kita sebagai makhluk di hadapan Sang Pencipta. Menurut Imam Ja’far, Kemahabesaran Allah tidak bisa diukur dengan suatu hal apapun. Merasakan kebesaran Allah adalah dengan cara meresapinya lewat akhlak dan akidah kita. Karena jika kita benar-benar meresapi hal itu, kalimat takbir yang sering kita ucap secara langsung membuat kita merasa kerdil, kecil, dan tiada daya upaya.” – BincangSyariah

Setelah memahami agungnya kalimat takbir ini, saya jadi lebih sering ‘berbincang’ dengan Allah.

“Ya Allah, aku mau pindah kos ke Gianyar hari ini.” – Eh kok, sopir langganan sedang available. 

“Ya Allah, maaf tadi pagi aku tidak jadi datang pengajian di Masjid Muhammad. Sekarang aku akan salat zuhur di Masjid Al-Ukhuwwah.” – Ndilalah saya bertemu dengan KBIH yang sedang manasik haji, dan diperbolehkan mempromosikan Pelatihan Baca Alquran. 

“Ya Allah, terima kasih sudah membangunkan aku untuk tahajud.” – Kebetulan teman tidak pulang ke kosnya sehingga saya bisa lebih leluasa. 

“Ya Allah, aku ingin salat isya’ di masjid dekat kos.” – Perjalanan Denpasar-Gianyar sejauh 30km lancarrr. 

Ya, Allah se-Maha Besar itu. Tidak ada masalah yang terlalu besar untuk Allah selesaikan. 

Tentu saja hal ini tidak lantas membuat hidup saya mulus. Masih ada friksi dimana-mana, seperti saya ceritakan minggu lalu, tentang perpisahan saya dengan grup pengajian di Bali. Problematika rumah tangga antara saya dan mama yang tidak kunjung membaik. Kisah cinta yang enggak ada kemajuan (hari Sabtu kemarin saya maraton nonton He’s Just Not That Into You dan 500 Days of Summer, and I feel so so stupid). And many other stuffs. 

I am sure you feel that way too. Rasanya pengin hidup ini baik-baik aja terus, enggak ada yang bikin sedih. Ya kan? 

Tapi Allah menciptakan kekurangan, agar kita bisa mengapresiasi kelebihan. Allah membuat kita menangis, agar kita tahu betapa menyenangkannya tertawa. Allah mengambil begitu banyak hal (atau bahkan orang) dari genggaman kita, agar kita kembali kepada-Nya. 

…"Cukuplah Allah menjadi Penolong kami dan Allah adalah sebaik-baik Pelindung". (Q.S. Ali ‘Imran (3): 173)

Semoga minggu ini saya dapat lebih rida atas ketetapan-Nya, mengurangi pengharapan dan ketergantungan atas manusia, dan --- lebih produktif lagi di kantor (penting!). Semoga kamu pun bisa belajar dari apa yang alami, trust Him no matter what!

Salam,

Prima

Monday Journal #4 & #5

Starting this week with a great doubt, “maybe I shouldn’t come back to Bali?”

I always embrace solitude, but this time I feel so lonely as I don’t know who to talk to. My sister has not responded to my WA text and message on Facebook, and she even rejected my call. With my mom blocked my WA, I really feel like I am being left out. Of course with my cousin came with me to Ubud last Thursday, as she had a wedding party to attend to (and I got invited too), it helped a lot. But soon after she was gone, I drowned again. For some minutes, I considered to buy a flight ticket and go home to Malang.

But I know the situation won’t be better...

Flashback to last Monday, actually I was encouraged about being a guru ngaji as I joined the National Gathering of Rubaiyat. You know last year I tried to teach some students here in Bali (and in Jakarta as well), and my journey was unquestionably difficult. It was indeed fulfilling but sometimes I called my best friend crying, oh why my student like this, and another student like that...

That’s when I got closer with Quran and read Sirah Nabawiyah more... I know the battle of the prophets is much severe than mine. Even Nabi Nuh had only 70 followers after hundred years of da’wah. I shouldn’t complain, should I?

However, as my departure time to Bali was approaching, a new problem emerged. Last year I depended on my pengajian friends to strengthen my faith, but now I only have TWO friends left (well, it’s still better than no one, though). Long story short, I decided to sign out from WhatsApp group because I couldn’t stand of being mocked by the members. It wasn’t the first time we argued with everyone versus me situation, but this time I got mad. If it’s a ‘live’ discussion, I might be screaming, “Iqra’, Ukhti!!!” (and I did send this text). Eventually I have to accept the fact that they only opened the discussion for those who agree with the grand opinion. What hurts me the most were the facilitators also attacked me; in the group, on personal chat, and on WhatsApp status. I was like... what kind of ‘sisters’ I am connecting in here...

I don’t know what will happen in the next days ahead, but I am looking forward to meet my best friends who plan to visit Bali on Friday. I am afraid of loneliness yet I set my room to be completely dark last night. I am thankful that I still can wake up this morning and I pray that I will be optimistic again soon, but until I have that spark, I decided to hold the activities of Muslimah Sinau. I just want to spend more time with Alquran now, recite and read the translation. I know this is not the end of my life, and so I begged Allah to give me ‘’kesudahan yang terbaik”, which means if I die, I pray it is not because I committed suicide.

This is another level of depression and what worst is because I am in BALI. All I know I will survive, I have to – I don’t know with what ways, but I am not giving up (yet...).

Prima

Monday Journal #2 & #3

Some weeks ago, a friend of mine said, “We never know what’s going to happen tomorrow”. I, being a person who is freak with preparation and certainty, whispered, “But we can always plan”.

Then Allah hits me hard by turning my life upside down for the last two weeks.

I went to Jakarta on Wednesday, January 9, with two plans: accompanying Qowi and holding “A Day Full of Inspiration”. Rode Majapahit train were one of the worst decisions in my life, 16 hours on the train for God sake!!! Once I arrived in Jakarta, I took a nap for an hour, rushed to check the event venue, then went to Qowi’ house for pengajian. I know I said that the event got cancelled but because of some considerations I think it HAS to be realized. MasyaAllah, I could only praise Allah all over the way because He made it possible. Unfortunately, I hardly concentrated with the event on Sunday as I felt ache all over my body. Even worse, I didn’t want to cry in front of Qowi so I endured those emotional feeling along the days.

Seven days passed quickly and this whole experience was indeed make me feel grateful regarding some little things that I used to complain about; but then I lost the sense of what really matters. Things are slipped from my hands, and I didn’t know what to expect anymore. I don’t understand which thing that influence more – is it because I am currently sick (flu + sore throat + inflammation + cough) or because I am psychologically discomfort. Suddenly Ubud is no longer important as all I want is snuggling on my bed and doing nothing.

However, as I read Yaasiin three times last week, these verses stuck in my head:

Only then I came into two conclusions:
1. I have been acting like Allah is not All-Powerful. Everything I gained were because of my efforts, and if there is something doesn’t happen in the future it’s His mistake. 
2. I have considered myself a perfect human being so no one will beat me. I am saying this for a specific case but again, I forgot that Allah is Almighty. Why would He give me something when He knows something is better to not be with me?

Therefore, I am learning to let go. I am trying to move forward by whatever it means, because being trapped in this zone hurts me so much. I love the idea of love. For me, love is give and give NOT take and give. I love giving some parts of me to someone but this is it. I guess the ‘fight for love’ spirit is overrated and we should be really careful with that. These two months break have opened my eyes that I just can't make some people happy, and I should love myself before I love others. 

I will be more determined to turn to Allah when I am disappointed. I should have prioritized what He wants me to do, not what I really want to do for the sake of my lust. I hope, next time Allah tested me, I can ask myself, "what Allah wants me to learn?" instead of complaining. 

I won’t regret the past and I pray that this beautiful feeling (of loving someone) will come back to me one day. But for now, let’s just open a new page of life and begin another dream.

Bismillah.

Lots of love,
Prima

Image source: Faedah Surat Yasin: Kun Fayakun