One of my best friends is a super strong woman (and right now when I am writing this, I realized that I am surrounded by a lot of powerful women). I can count by one hand how many times she shared her sadness or any life challenges she faces on social media. She always looks “happy”, although I am sure deep down inside she is crushed.
I, actually wanted to learn from her.
But I cannot.
I always believe that I write to share. I hope my writings make someone who might be far away from me, can realize that he/she is not alone. His/her feelings are valid, and although the world seems against him/her, there is still a hope.
However, this year is one of the shittiest years in my life, like ever. One day I feel like I am the poorest human in the world – like literally. One day I feel like I lost everything in life, even my dignity. This year I had so many suicidal thoughts because I am afraid of what will come next, and I know that I didn’t take care of myself well. I seek pleasure in places or things I’ve never imagined myself will involve to. I ran far away from God because I was disappointed often. I just don’t know who I was anymore.
But this post is not about that. This post is about me, trying to rise up from the underground. This post is about me, even when it’s really really hard, trying to see the positive side of life; or simply what kind of lessons I have learned throughout the year. For once, as I also don’t want to go back and reminisce all those stupidities that I have done, I will try to write my Year in Review in a different way. I have set the intention to write this post as a way to be grateful for every little thing that has happened. I hope it will help me to start the new year with a lot more positive thoughts, and so let’s start from the biggest event of this year…
1. I fell in love (and lost love)
After so many years being a single woman, I am finally proud to say that earlier this year I have loved again. I can’t remember when was the last time I love a guy this much, maybe in 2014-2015 but anyway, for this guy I gave my world. I went back and forth to Jakarta in July and December 2018 just to see him – and again in January 2019, only to realize later on that it was an unrequited love.
People could say behind me that I should have known since the beginning that he was only considered me as his good friend, and I was too blind to see. But after years, even my mom and my dad could see that I have sparks in my eyes when I think or talk about him. I became serious in considering to get married soon (which I might rarely do for the last eight years), and I was willing to do anything for him.
Months after, I recognized something, that I should not regret my “decision” to love him because after all he treated me right. The situation could be a lot worse as he knew that I was so into him, but he rarely took any advantage “except” my time. LOL. Now I can laugh to see that what he did to me was far better than what guys on Tinder did to me.
2. I use Tinder – and get a lot of important lessons in exchange
"Why are you on Tinder? Are you lonely?"
At first, that thought crossed my mind. Maybe the decision to install it earlier this year was indeed an escape from - what I think - my pathetic love story(/ies). But then I met some guys who become my new best friends without any romantic tendency at all; some challenge me intellectually - and even physically, texting "how was your workout this week?" every weekend I almost feel he is my personal trainer (ha!); some helped me to shape my ideal future partner. Some... support me mentally and emotionally until I found myself.
So I said, "I am learning. About people behavior. About my strength, weakness, opportunities and threat so I can market myself better (...). I learn that everybody has his/her own preferences and I cannot force people to like me and I cannot demand them to be happy (with me) even if I already give them my time, heart, or anything I thought they need/want. I learn to say no and hold my principles strongly. I learn to manage my expectations and let go. I learn that nothing lasts forever and all we can do is to embrace the togetherness that we have. I learn to be stronger. I learn... that it is totally okay to be alone - and turned out (as I always knew), I really enjoy solitude."
Of course some left notable marks in my life. For them, I created a special space in my heart no others could ever fill. For them, you might find me whispering to the wind that I miss them badly, or you might find me praying that one day our path will cross again. But until that day, I will always move forward.
I wrote this on 5 September, but I wasn’t ready to share it “officially” to the world. Most of us are now on Tinder or any kind of online dating apps for various reasons, including my younger sister and brother (hahahahaha), some friends whom I thought very pious, and etc. It’s not our duty to judge them because from my perspective (I am not trying to defend myself), sometimes the friendship that created from there can be amazing and it will be a bit impossible to find in real life ‘just like that’.
Although, to be honest, in early months I got shocked with this new type of “friendship” I even need to see a relationship coach. This experience also exposed me with another thing: I dig the matter of the relationship with my parents deeper and comprehended that genuinely I can do so much better than this.
The conclusion of point one and two, I am willing – and hoping – to have a more stable relationship next year. I think I am done with “the adventure”, and I will be more careful in giving my time and energy for only limited number of people (which hopefully will be worthy).
3. I came out of my shell and found meaningful friendships
If last year became more like “testing the water” for me and my life in Ubud, this year I found myself attending more social events – I even spoke at Modern Woman Festival! In contrary with what I believe in as I becoming more and more introvert, I am happy to see that I could get along with various type of people.
Creative Speaking at Hustlers Villa is one of my to-do lists every Sunday, not only it helps improving my English-speaking skill – but I also met lovely people who encouraged me to be a better person in so many ways. Assia, Paul, Mandelynn, and Dina, were only a few from so many beautiful souls I had interacted with.
In the other side, sadly I didn’t teach Quran as much as last year, but I have taught two kids in Denpasar for maybe the last five months. From a-ba-ta to memorize Al-Ikhlas and short prayers, I am over the moon that I am still pretty much connected with my spiritual side even in the darkest moments. Alhamdulillah.
Writing down point three, deep inside my heart I realized I don’t need Tinder anymore to get a new friend. I hope it’s only a matter of time until I will delete it forever.
4. Transforming my dreams have been so scary… but turned out becomes challenging and fun!
I know I write less and less for the last couple years, although I still worked for TripZilla for around four months. Generally I feel I was not really productive this year because I mourned (and dated) a lot! However, in the beginning of this year, Muslimah Sinau held an event called A Day Full of Inspiration. It was a blast for me personally no matter how ‘big’ the result was.
Additionally, I joined Doing Good Challenge! held by Indorelawan and Wardah. I aimed to be the finalist as I want to learn more about social business and expose my idea to the public. Me and my partner, Mutia Zakia Salma, did research day and night, and we became one of the semi-finalist! The feeling was so good, we decided to grab Titasya Anugraheni to be one of our team members and planned to launch this idea as ‘a real business’ in January 2020.
Only life has its own path and universe has its own scenario. My mom experienced a huge financial trouble and I need to rewrite my priorities. Devastated does not even have any meaning anymore to me, my heart has been numb at this point but once again, she IS my mom. In my last breath, I begged to Allah to give me a new job that paid me well so I can help my mom more…
5. You never know how your prayers will be answered
For me it came in a form of a Facebook post. Someone needs a translator who can assist her in business meetings (that’s what the post said). I called the number, I met this businesswoman from Poland, and two months after, now I am waiting for my taxi that will bring me to the airport for my flight to Singapore. Yesterday I trembled in my chair when she sent me the airline booking code, even this morning when I exchanged my money I still can’t believe that my employer will take me to Singapore only after one month working.
Sounds like too good to be true – I KNOW – but LIFE IS LIFE. It exposed you with sorrow, but also bring you to opportunities, once in a while, amazing one yet still you have to work your a** off. As cliché as it sounds, in three weeks I worked with Bu Agnes, I got out of my comfort zone, learned things I never thought I would need to know (talking about regulationsss in Indonesia), and came home after dawn. It’s not just about the material fulfillment, but she provides me with resources I would need for my business in the future. And she opens to give me support as many as I need! I am not sure I deserve it, but I am confident that all of my life experiences in the past has prepared me for this.
Fiuh. I don’t think I need to explain of why I used “The Climb” as the title of this Year in Review. In fact, I am still climbing because I want to aim higher – in terms of spiritually, mentally, financially, and last (but also one of the most important things), physically. I still have to work veeery hard for everything, but at the end of the year, I am relieved that I survived – and I am sure, next year will be thrilled!
So much hugs,
Prima
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