Monday Journal #2 & #3

Some weeks ago, a friend of mine said, “We never know what’s going to happen tomorrow”. I, being a person who is freak with preparation and certainty, whispered, “But we can always plan”.

Then Allah hits me hard by turning my life upside down for the last two weeks.

I went to Jakarta on Wednesday, January 9, with two plans: accompanying Qowi and holding “A Day Full of Inspiration”. Rode Majapahit train were one of the worst decisions in my life, 16 hours on the train for God sake!!! Once I arrived in Jakarta, I took a nap for an hour, rushed to check the event venue, then went to Qowi’ house for pengajian. I know I said that the event got cancelled but because of some considerations I think it HAS to be realized. MasyaAllah, I could only praise Allah all over the way because He made it possible. Unfortunately, I hardly concentrated with the event on Sunday as I felt ache all over my body. Even worse, I didn’t want to cry in front of Qowi so I endured those emotional feeling along the days.

Seven days passed quickly and this whole experience was indeed make me feel grateful regarding some little things that I used to complain about; but then I lost the sense of what really matters. Things are slipped from my hands, and I didn’t know what to expect anymore. I don’t understand which thing that influence more – is it because I am currently sick (flu + sore throat + inflammation + cough) or because I am psychologically discomfort. Suddenly Ubud is no longer important as all I want is snuggling on my bed and doing nothing.

However, as I read Yaasiin three times last week, these verses stuck in my head:

Only then I came into two conclusions:
1. I have been acting like Allah is not All-Powerful. Everything I gained were because of my efforts, and if there is something doesn’t happen in the future it’s His mistake. 
2. I have considered myself a perfect human being so no one will beat me. I am saying this for a specific case but again, I forgot that Allah is Almighty. Why would He give me something when He knows something is better to not be with me?

Therefore, I am learning to let go. I am trying to move forward by whatever it means, because being trapped in this zone hurts me so much. I love the idea of love. For me, love is give and give NOT take and give. I love giving some parts of me to someone but this is it. I guess the ‘fight for love’ spirit is overrated and we should be really careful with that. These two months break have opened my eyes that I just can't make some people happy, and I should love myself before I love others. 

I will be more determined to turn to Allah when I am disappointed. I should have prioritized what He wants me to do, not what I really want to do for the sake of my lust. I hope, next time Allah tested me, I can ask myself, "what Allah wants me to learn?" instead of complaining. 

I won’t regret the past and I pray that this beautiful feeling (of loving someone) will come back to me one day. But for now, let’s just open a new page of life and begin another dream.

Bismillah.

Lots of love,
Prima

Image source: Faedah Surat Yasin: Kun Fayakun

Monday Journal #1

Today is the first Monday in 2019 and the idea of posting Monday Journal just crossed my mind. I have to admit that since mid last year, I don’t spend enough time to write properly. For reading, which is the fuel of writing, I read a lot less than in previous years (not that I really record the number of books I read along the year, though). It only got real as I reopened the folder of “Antologi Ramadan 2019” and I lost my sense. I need to provide around 15 writings so that we will have 30 chapters, but… I don’t know how to start writing.

I am still journaling and I try to make time every two days even just one A5 page. However, those are for personal purpose, as some writings are too sad or too silly to be published. So I realized I need to ‘warm myself up’ and read more books before I could begin another writing project. That’s why I will tie myself to my laptop every Monday evening to present you a ‘report’ of one last week in my life. Hopefully it will not be abandoned like the Ubud Journal. *slapped my face*

The first week in 2019 for me was SUPER busy. I was happy and sad at the same time until I was confused which one I should do first: crying or laughing? The Muslimah Sinau big event, “A Day Full of Inspiration” has to be cancelled because some complicated reasons – BUT I got a call from a respective person who really interested in the event. She asked me to propose the event idea to her organization, which I did already, but my energy has been drained. Of course experience is the best teacher because I gained many insights by making this event, and I wish I can recreate the event in a better way before this year ends. Aamiin.

Me, my mom, and my sister also organizing the Pelatihan Baca Alquran in Surabaya routinely again. I am a bit sad to know that I can only help one session more (on January 20) because I will be back to Ubud soon, but I am also glad to see the training has successfully gathered more than 10 students. Yes, it is an achievement if you see our efforts in inviting people.

Another episode of bereavement was, two people in my close circle passed away in a week. My uncle (tapi Pakde jauh) has been in ICU for a few days. His condition was actually getting better, before he died in late night of Wednesday. Mom of Qowi (my podcast partner) died of breast cancer on Saturday morning. Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi roji’un.

But I have to keep going, as I have promised my best friend to accompany her for her wedding preparation. It is very important too, for some reasons I can’t spill here. Before I met this girl, I also got a chance to visit another best friend in her house in Sidoarjo, as we already made appointment since weeks ago.

Fiuh.

This is why Malang house is a place for serenity for me. I don’t really go out in Malang, except to gym and mini mart. Somehow most of my friends in Malang work and if we want to meet, then it has to be in the weekend – while I often spend weekend in Surabaya. I sleep more peacefully in Malang, but there are always things that need to be taken care of. Like, Muslimah Sinau posts, Ya Allah…

I know this year will keep me busy just like other years. I have some career targets to achieve, but most importantly, I have to improve my hablumminallah. I plan to read Alquran translation more often and take notes; I want to increase my Tahajjud and Sunnah fasting frequency; and I want to serve more people in the name of Allah. Semoga waktu, kesehatan, dan rezeki material yang Allah titipkan kepada saya dapat saya pertanggungjawabkan dengan optimal, karena hanya itulah alasan kita menjalani kehidupan ini, kan?

Love,

Prima

2018 Year in Review: Conspiracy of the Stars

Good afternoon, everybody!!! How was last night? For me, it’s just like another year. Slept early until fireworks woke me up, then I slept again. LOL. Anyway, sorry that it’s a bit late to post my Year in Review – but today is just January 1st. So I guess it will be okay. After all, it’s my blog though. :p

Anyway, last year I only have 28 blog posts, what a shameee. But I have been working very hard, day and night, even in the weekend… so no excuse! I am thankful for the opportunities that come and go, and I understand if it makes me have to put aside writing for a bit. However, published ‘Perjalanan Menuju Cahaya’ was indeed a highlight of my writing ‘career’. I know it’s far from perfect, so I plan to publish another ‘edition’ of ‘Perjalanan Menuju Cahaya’ every year. Perhaps starting in 2020 I will put a specific theme just like ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul’, do you read it too?

Some weeks ago, I went from Bali to Malang by bus and I couldn’t stop muttering ‘Alhamdulillah’. In 2013, when I attended Ubud Writers & Readers Festival for the first time, I had no choice but using bus. I had very limited money but I am very eager to see if becoming a writer can be a lifetime job (now I think it was funny because I did working as a blog writer, LOL). However, this time I used bus even though I can afford airplane ticket – as I need to bring a huge luggage with me. A friend of me asked if I ever imagine to work in UWRF, and I said ‘never’. What I knew was I will come every year – and because volunteering in 2017 was so so tiring, I promised myself to be an attendee in #UWRF18. I ended up being an International Program Assistant, which is – OF COURSE FOR GOD SAKE – a lot busier I could only watched Poetry Slam. Hahahahaha. But yeah, once again, Alhamdulillah for 2018. I have been trying to focus on the positive side of any cases, even when it seems very difficult. I also received a gift from Allah, in the form of an illness: I was diagnosed with depression. Alhamdulillah, after all it is not a chronic disease and I have been learning a lot from this. Sooo, without further ado, let me share my 2018 year in review: