2018 Year in Review: Conspiracy of the Stars

Good afternoon, everybody!!! How was last night? For me, it’s just like another year. Slept early until fireworks woke me up, then I slept again. LOL. Anyway, sorry that it’s a bit late to post my Year in Review – but today is just January 1st. So I guess it will be okay. After all, it’s my blog though. :p

Anyway, last year I only have 28 blog posts, what a shameee. But I have been working very hard, day and night, even in the weekend… so no excuse! I am thankful for the opportunities that come and go, and I understand if it makes me have to put aside writing for a bit. However, published ‘Perjalanan Menuju Cahaya’ was indeed a highlight of my writing ‘career’. I know it’s far from perfect, so I plan to publish another ‘edition’ of ‘Perjalanan Menuju Cahaya’ every year. Perhaps starting in 2020 I will put a specific theme just like ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul’, do you read it too?

Some weeks ago, I went from Bali to Malang by bus and I couldn’t stop muttering ‘Alhamdulillah’. In 2013, when I attended Ubud Writers & Readers Festival for the first time, I had no choice but using bus. I had very limited money but I am very eager to see if becoming a writer can be a lifetime job (now I think it was funny because I did working as a blog writer, LOL). However, this time I used bus even though I can afford airplane ticket – as I need to bring a huge luggage with me. A friend of me asked if I ever imagine to work in UWRF, and I said ‘never’. What I knew was I will come every year – and because volunteering in 2017 was so so tiring, I promised myself to be an attendee in #UWRF18. I ended up being an International Program Assistant, which is – OF COURSE FOR GOD SAKE – a lot busier I could only watched Poetry Slam. Hahahahaha. But yeah, once again, Alhamdulillah for 2018. I have been trying to focus on the positive side of any cases, even when it seems very difficult. I also received a gift from Allah, in the form of an illness: I was diagnosed with depression. Alhamdulillah, after all it is not a chronic disease and I have been learning a lot from this. Sooo, without further ado, let me share my 2018 year in review:

January

Since August 2017, I knew that there was something wrong with my body and mind. I had binge eating until December, and I gained weight really fast (I’m still in the battle to lose it until now). Approaching end of year where I have to go back to my hometown, I couldn’t take it anymore. I talked to two friends of mine, and they recommended me to see psychologist/psychiatrist. I followed their suggestion, and I was crashed to know I am depressed. In the other side, I found a job vacancy in Ubud Writers & Readers Festival. Always wanted to contribute in Program department, I quickly applied – and luckily got accepted to start working in June. In this month also, I met the director of Tokyo Foundation/Sylff, and I was glad to hear about why they chose me as one of the fellows (well, they said they see the ‘future leader’ in me). Aamiin.

February

Eventually I had to go home, and with two choices I have: Surabaya and Malang – I chose Malang because of some considerations. Turned out, the adaption phase didn’t happen easily. Having no experience of living with my dad’s family for more than one week, there were a lot of misunderstandings and miscommunications. I lost focus as I edited ‘Perjalanan Menuju Cahaya’ and I wanted to give up, but I sleep hugging my Ubud dream. Every single day, I counted the days until my departure and it gave me strength to survive.

March

When it seemed like I have accepted the way my dad communicates, my book editing process got slower. Not many people know, at this phase, I stop praying for some days. I argued with my best friends, I was angry to Allah, and even though the medication didn’t work anymore (means actually my physical is okay), I didn’t have any motivation to wake up in the morning. My dad noticed and asked me to meet his Ustaz, which I did. But I felt like I don’t know why the hell I am doing this and I was about to quit.

April

One of my close friends found out that I neglected my prayers, and she begged me to listen Ar-Rahman as much as I could. My brain rejected the idea, but my heart moved my fingers to turn on YouTube and listen to Fatih Seferagic reciting Ar-Rahman. Later on this year, my interaction with this Surah became deeper. But finally, my book has entered the waiting list in Bitread.id. Although it is a self-publishing company, I was satisfied enough. Then, I prayed again – not  because He granted my wish (He gave me another test btw), but because I discovered an urge: I am the one who needs to ‘see’ Him, talk with Him, and ‘listen’ to what He wants me to do in my life. Along the year, praying becomes harder and harder for me – not merely because I moved to Bali, but I am having many things going on in my mind. But I swear, I won’t leave prayer again insyaAllah. No matter how hard it is to concentrate (khusyu’), I recalled those who already passed away – whom I know must really really hope to go back to life to pray.

This month, I also published the first post of Muslimah Sinau. Ever since I started this blog in 2013, I know that someday I want to create a platform where I can gather Muslimah’ voice without being judged for being ‘different’. Today we have 885 followers and 468 posts! I can’t believe it, masyaAllah!

May

My books were released!!! Okay, okay, it was pre-order but I was a bit shocked to know the order numbers reached 100. Really, I didn’t expect it. Thank you my friendsssss for buying my books even though some of you might only buy it to make me happy :)). Also, it’s time for the magical moments of Ramadan!!! I was sooooo happy to have the privilege of working at home. I could recite Quran whenever I want to, or prayed Sunnah as many as I want to, and I never missed the tarawih prayer at the mosque. Alhamdulillah. In the other side, my mom cut the connection with me. I know it has happened frequently, but this time, she really mean it. The good thing of this case? I saw how big my dad’s love for me. I don’t know about you, but there is nothing more beautiful than knowing that your dad also cried when he sees you sad. Love you, Yah.

June

My mom got hospitalized in the last week of Ramadan so it gave us a chance to reconcile. Soon after we talked again, I had to go. I came to Ubud, and you can read some stories on Ubud Journal posts.

July-September

Too many things happening in these months and as usual, time flies. I still worked remotely for Gadjian; I spent office hours in UWRF office; I taught Quran in the evening and the weekend; aaand I created a podcast channel named Dawn2Dusk. Surely I have a partner, his name is Abdul Qowi Bastian. Honestly, the reason I want to join Dawn2Dusk is because all I need to do is talk. Yes, Qowi is the one who edit all my ramblings, and I feel sorry for him. :))

October

The festival month!!! I got through my birthday in silent because nobody in the office knows about it, but my boss saw my Insta Story and she gave me flowers the next day. Awww, miss you already, Donica! Oh, I and my office mates needed no time to get close. I am not a very new person for them after all. So like Donica said, “the more we spend time together, the more we love each other.” Our teamwork is also very solid, it amazed me to see no obstacles were too big to be solved by the Festival team. I’ll be forever blessed to work with them, and so… my contract is extended!!! I’ll see you in #UFF19 and #UWRF19? ;) Yaaayyy!!!

November

Closed the #UWRF18 by flying to Palangka Raya for Satellite Event, and when I got back to Ubud, it was so quiet, oh my God. I decided to take two months break as most of the staffs are also having their holiday. But, tidak semudah itu Pemirsa, I got calls from here and there, asking me to share my insights about this and that. Allahu Akbar. So my 3-weeks break was spent for giving talks in Yogyakarta for Akber Jogja, Jurusan Pendidikan Administrasi Perkantoran Universitas Negeri Yogyakarta, and FISIPOL UGM. Fiuh.

December

This year I faced too many failures I don’t even bother to dream and hope again. But I thank God for ‘inviting’ me to Resonation: Build Your Own Door. I realized then, although I do lost some things, but hey, I also gained a lot (not just weight :p). I am blessed by new lovely friends, acquaintances and networking, as well as the chance to create something. I passed my master graduation anniversary with one book, one event (the biggest literature event in Southeast Asia, uhuk uhuk) is being prepared, and four ngaji students. I came to the end of the year with burden on my shoulders as I am approaching another event that I will create on my own (with the help of Muslimah Sinau team of course), but I can also view it with optimism. 2018 is another year of creation and contribution. No more talking about passion – the big question is always, “what I can do – and give – to make this world a better a place?” MasyaAllah.

Often I don’t believe in what they say, “…universe conspires to help you get it.” But ultimately, the stars really collide to bring me ‘there’. If there is anything I have to be grateful the most is my times in Ubud has connected me with my inner self. It’s been looong time since the last time I listened to the voice within me. I was blessed to take the chance. And I know that I am watched by the Guard of the stars, the Creator of the earth and the sky. It is always You, for You, and by You. Alhamdulillah.

Now, I am looking forward to what 2019 will bring me. I hope I can pour more sincerity in everything that I do, as well as enjoying the ups and downs. Wish you all the happiness in 2019, let’s rock!!!

Lots of love,

Prima