Monday Journal #8

FINALLY, I can reveal the full lineup of Ubud Food Festival KYAAAAA~~~ Check them here: Ubud Food Festival website.

Working for the biggest literature festival in Southeast Asia – and respectively international food festival, let me tell you: it’s just difficult to keep secrets of the speakers, programs, activities, and so on. Often I am too excited when we get signed agreement from them, and all I can do is writing it down in my journal. Because, if I open up – my boss will discontinue my contract (OH NO); and, unfortunately, there will always be a possibility the speaker cancels their presence. That’s why, don’t you ever ask, “Prim, who will show up at UWRF19?” My lips are sealed!!!

Anyway, I am starting this week with exhaustion because last week I entered another phase of my life in Bali. I already have some ngaji students, and I also am engaging with several projects. Then, my mom surprisingly came to Bali on Saturday. Oh, I will share the story a bit later, but perhaps you know that I have stopped talking with her for some weeks now. So, when she attended my ngaji class, I was like… “what?” Qadarullah, some days before, I got a call from a woman who needs a guru ngaji for her sister-in-law who can’t read Alquran at all. As my mom is coming without any plan, I asked her if she wants to teach that person. She is happy doing it, and so we spent the weekend to teach the woman (and I have other students as well). 

In Sunday evening, my mom and I went to my place in Gianyar because she wants to see where I stay. Of course she was also eager to see my office. And that’s how I am so tired at the moment… 

I know some people will judge me, saying how I should be grateful to have my mom still around, alive and healthy. But there are things you don’t know and I am not sure if I can reveal it soon. Whenever I want to share the whole stories, I felt like… “but I don’t need the world to see my pain inside.” Every single day I learn to forgive my mom for what she has done to me. In the other side, I learn to not feeling too guilty for ‘leaving’ her to pursue my dreams. I still have a long long way and I don’t want to feed her ego… Well, every person is tested with different kind of trial, and maybe mine is my mom. Whatever it is, may all those hardships bring us closer to Allah’s blessings, aamiin. 

Love,

Prima       

10 Quran Verses to Relieve Your Broken Heart

He’s not my type of man, at least from his physique. He is handsome and has fit body – two qualities of men which usually make me feel insecure. Ya eyalah, secara muka pas-pasan, pakai baju kadang serampangan, lipstik sering ketinggalan, apalagi bedak – sudah sejak lama terlupakan. Sadar diri ya tho~ But then we exchanged our books, and we talked. If it isn’t obvious by now, I have been always attracted to smart guys and he is one of those guys who can get me like “oh really?” everytime he tells me something new. That time he worked as a political journalist and lecturer, so I got encouraged to read more. He often asking me questions about Islam, and my automatic response be like, “wait, let me browse for a more trustworthy insight”. Sadly, not too long after our introduction, his mom condition got worse. Then I booked the flight ticket to Jakarta in July… without knowing that it was the first and last time I met his mom. That trip made me realized there is something really interesting about him. Soon after I arrived in Bali, he asked me to collaborate for a project. And I was like… “yaaah, ini mah friendzone.” *nangis di pojokan* 

Still, I joined the project because the purpose is good. I also tried to resist my feeling because I am questioning myself. Being with him means accepting his mom as well, and I was doubtful if I could give my best. It was in my nature because I am not even close with my mom. Eventually, I ‘proposed’ him in the end of September because there was one and only thing I chased: the reward from Allah. This, sparked arguments between me and the girl who introduced us. She couldn’t take the idea of me turning down my dreams to accompany him. Well, he rejected my proposal though. I moved forward with my life… until his mom passed away last month. I was sad for not having more opportunities to get to know his mom. That night on the train to Jakarta, I texted my best friend, “what if I cry in front of him?” She said, “don’t! You’ll make him sadder. Give him a lot of smile, I know you can make him happy.” And I was proud of myself to successfully hold my tears for one week. 

However, at one point, I realized I don’t merely like him. I love him because I am happy when he is happy, and I want the best for him. His corny jokes made me giggling, and being away from him tortured me. I know we haven’t done a lot of stuffs together but even if we have limited chances, it’s always high-quality time (I liked it the most when we went to the mosques). And I think that he is grateful to have me around…

…or at least that’s what I believed in. 

Monday Journal #7

Hari Senin dan Kamis minggu lalu, saya mencoba untuk puasa sunah. Tujuannya supaya kurus buat latihan menjelang bulan Ramadan, semacam ‘pemanasan’ dan membiasakan diri. Apalagi Ramadan tahun ini saya akan berpuasa sambil bekerja di kantor secara penuh waktu, dan commuting dengan motor sejauh 13km sekali jalan. It’s a very big deal for me as the last time I worked in Ramadan was in 2014. Sisanya, diisi dengan kuliah atau mengerjakan tesis – yang sebenarnya enggak ringan juga. Tapi bukan bekerja yang membuat saya merasa berat. Belum-belum saya merasa sedih saat membayangkan seharian puasa itu tidak dimaksimalkan untuk salat sunah atau membaca Alquran. Yaaa, semoga ada cara agar Ramadan tidak terlewatkan begitu saja. Aamiin. 

Ma’la Bin Fadhal berkata: “Dulu Sahabat Rasulullah berdoa kepada Allah sejak enam bulan sebelum masuk Ramadhan agar Allah sampaikan umur mereka ke bulan yang penuh berkah itu. Kemudian selama enam bulan sejak Ramadhan berlalu, mereka berdoa agar Allah terima semua amal ibadah mereka di bulan itu. Di antara doa mereka ialah: Yaa Allah, sampaikan aku ke Ramadhan dalam keadaan selamat. Yaa Allah, selamatkan aku saat Ramadhan dan selamatkan amal ibadahku di dalamnya sehingga menjadi amal yang diterima.” (HR. at Thabrani: 2/1226). [Sumber]

Kembali ke saya, ternyata minggu lalu saya malah nge-drop. Sebenarnya ada andil dari psikosomatis yang saya alami, tapi saya enggak pernah sakit perut seperti itu! Hari Kamis saya putuskan tetap lanjut puasa sambil ‘mengistirahatkan’ perut, dan Alhamdulillah sakitnya hilang. Cumaaa, dehidrasinya semakin parah (ya iyalah). Terpaksa hari ini saya skip puasa dulu, terutama karena saya masih belum terbiasa motoran Denpasar-Gianyar (jauuuh, capeeek, punggung remeeek).

Bagaimanapun, berhubung saya sudah berkomitmen untuk pindah kos sejauh itu DEMI dekat dengan masjid, ya ‘mau enggak mau’ saya membiasakan diri untuk salat di masjid setiap isya’ (penginnya sih sejak sebelum magrib sudah standby di masjid, tapi biasanya baru nyampe kos). So, how is life in Gianyar? Kotanya kecil walaupun Gianyar justru merupakan pusat kabupatennya Ubud. Perbandingannya Gianyar mungkin Tulungagung, Jawa Timur. Sepertinya sejauh mata memandang, orang tinggal di Gianyar karena mengikuti suami/ayah yang menjadi tentara atau polisi. Ada juga mahasiswa sekolah perhotelan atau akademi pariwisata, tapi populasi warga yang lebih banyak adalah yang sudah berkeluarga. Makanya setiap kenalan di masjid atau ngobrol sama orang di supermarket (hahaha it’s not even a C*rrefour or Super*ndo), orang pasti heran sama saya. Kerja di Ubud, masih single, what the hell are you doing in this tiny city?    

Hingga saat ini saya pribadi belum begitu betah di Gianyar. Biar dikata Ubud is just too touristy, tapi orang-orang di Ubud sangat hangat dan ramah. But we’ll see, maybe I need 1-2 weeks more to be settled in this city. If not, I can always move back to Ubud. Entah mengapa, akhir-akhir ini saya enggak mau hidup saya dibuat susah atau repot oleh hal-hal ‘kecil’. Semua masalah di dunia ini PASTI ada solusinya. Kalau sampai belum kelar, ya mungkin memang belum waktunya. At least we tried, and we pray for it. So, whatever you are facing at the moment, don’t lose hope. Allah knows your struggle, He just wants to see your patience. Sampai kapan harus bersabar? Ya sampai nanti, sampai mati. :)

Lots of love,

Prima

Monday Journal #6

dan bahwasanya Dialah yang menjadikan orang tertawa dan menangis, (Q.S. An-Najm (53): 43)

Sekitar dua hari yang lalu, saya mengatakan kepada sahabat bahwa hidup saya tak ubahnya seperti sedang naik rollercoaster: sebentar happy, sebentar gila. Sering saya komat-kamit berdoa, “Ya Allah, tolong jangan buat aku jantungan dengan skenario-Mu.” Bayangkan saja, Kamis malam saya bingung sebingung-bingungnya karena sudah mentok, tetiba keesokan paginya saya dapat bantuan bertubi-tubi dari teman-teman… lalu sorenya saya mem-block semua kontak mama dan adik saya karena bertengkar habis-habisan di telepon. Ya, begitulah hidup. You can plan, but you have to prepare yourself for all the surprises. 

Lalu bagaimana caranya menguatkan mental untuk menjalani hari-hari? Saya pribadi sedang berupaya memperbaiki salat, dari mulai wajib, sunah rawatib, dan salat-salat yang lain. Saya juga belajar untuk lebih khusyuk dengan cara menyelami makna bacaan salat dan surat pendek. Pada suatu waktu, saya pernah hampir ambruk karena mencoba menginternalisasi kalimat takbir. Iya, ‘Allahu Akbar’ yang biasa kita bacakan sambil lalu untuk mengawali salat. Kali itu, saya mengumpulkan semua konsentrasi yang saya punya dan ‘mengucap’ Allahu Akbar dari hati. Ya Allah, rasanya tubuh saya ingin bersungkur – bersujud dan tidak bangun lagi. 

“…menggemakan Allahu Akbar merupakan penegasan hakiki tentang betapa kecilnya kita sebagai makhluk di hadapan Sang Pencipta. Menurut Imam Ja’far, Kemahabesaran Allah tidak bisa diukur dengan suatu hal apapun. Merasakan kebesaran Allah adalah dengan cara meresapinya lewat akhlak dan akidah kita. Karena jika kita benar-benar meresapi hal itu, kalimat takbir yang sering kita ucap secara langsung membuat kita merasa kerdil, kecil, dan tiada daya upaya.” – BincangSyariah

Setelah memahami agungnya kalimat takbir ini, saya jadi lebih sering ‘berbincang’ dengan Allah.

“Ya Allah, aku mau pindah kos ke Gianyar hari ini.” – Eh kok, sopir langganan sedang available. 

“Ya Allah, maaf tadi pagi aku tidak jadi datang pengajian di Masjid Muhammad. Sekarang aku akan salat zuhur di Masjid Al-Ukhuwwah.” – Ndilalah saya bertemu dengan KBIH yang sedang manasik haji, dan diperbolehkan mempromosikan Pelatihan Baca Alquran. 

“Ya Allah, terima kasih sudah membangunkan aku untuk tahajud.” – Kebetulan teman tidak pulang ke kosnya sehingga saya bisa lebih leluasa. 

“Ya Allah, aku ingin salat isya’ di masjid dekat kos.” – Perjalanan Denpasar-Gianyar sejauh 30km lancarrr. 

Ya, Allah se-Maha Besar itu. Tidak ada masalah yang terlalu besar untuk Allah selesaikan. 

Tentu saja hal ini tidak lantas membuat hidup saya mulus. Masih ada friksi dimana-mana, seperti saya ceritakan minggu lalu, tentang perpisahan saya dengan grup pengajian di Bali. Problematika rumah tangga antara saya dan mama yang tidak kunjung membaik. Kisah cinta yang enggak ada kemajuan (hari Sabtu kemarin saya maraton nonton He’s Just Not That Into You dan 500 Days of Summer, and I feel so so stupid). And many other stuffs. 

I am sure you feel that way too. Rasanya pengin hidup ini baik-baik aja terus, enggak ada yang bikin sedih. Ya kan? 

Tapi Allah menciptakan kekurangan, agar kita bisa mengapresiasi kelebihan. Allah membuat kita menangis, agar kita tahu betapa menyenangkannya tertawa. Allah mengambil begitu banyak hal (atau bahkan orang) dari genggaman kita, agar kita kembali kepada-Nya. 

…"Cukuplah Allah menjadi Penolong kami dan Allah adalah sebaik-baik Pelindung". (Q.S. Ali ‘Imran (3): 173)

Semoga minggu ini saya dapat lebih rida atas ketetapan-Nya, mengurangi pengharapan dan ketergantungan atas manusia, dan --- lebih produktif lagi di kantor (penting!). Semoga kamu pun bisa belajar dari apa yang alami, trust Him no matter what!

Salam,

Prima

Monday Journal #4 & #5

Starting this week with a great doubt, “maybe I shouldn’t come back to Bali?”

I always embrace solitude, but this time I feel so lonely as I don’t know who to talk to. My sister has not responded to my WA text and message on Facebook, and she even rejected my call. With my mom blocked my WA, I really feel like I am being left out. Of course with my cousin came with me to Ubud last Thursday, as she had a wedding party to attend to (and I got invited too), it helped a lot. But soon after she was gone, I drowned again. For some minutes, I considered to buy a flight ticket and go home to Malang.

But I know the situation won’t be better...

Flashback to last Monday, actually I was encouraged about being a guru ngaji as I joined the National Gathering of Rubaiyat. You know last year I tried to teach some students here in Bali (and in Jakarta as well), and my journey was unquestionably difficult. It was indeed fulfilling but sometimes I called my best friend crying, oh why my student like this, and another student like that...

That’s when I got closer with Quran and read Sirah Nabawiyah more... I know the battle of the prophets is much severe than mine. Even Nabi Nuh had only 70 followers after hundred years of da’wah. I shouldn’t complain, should I?

However, as my departure time to Bali was approaching, a new problem emerged. Last year I depended on my pengajian friends to strengthen my faith, but now I only have TWO friends left (well, it’s still better than no one, though). Long story short, I decided to sign out from WhatsApp group because I couldn’t stand of being mocked by the members. It wasn’t the first time we argued with everyone versus me situation, but this time I got mad. If it’s a ‘live’ discussion, I might be screaming, “Iqra’, Ukhti!!!” (and I did send this text). Eventually I have to accept the fact that they only opened the discussion for those who agree with the grand opinion. What hurts me the most were the facilitators also attacked me; in the group, on personal chat, and on WhatsApp status. I was like... what kind of ‘sisters’ I am connecting in here...

I don’t know what will happen in the next days ahead, but I am looking forward to meet my best friends who plan to visit Bali on Friday. I am afraid of loneliness yet I set my room to be completely dark last night. I am thankful that I still can wake up this morning and I pray that I will be optimistic again soon, but until I have that spark, I decided to hold the activities of Muslimah Sinau. I just want to spend more time with Alquran now, recite and read the translation. I know this is not the end of my life, and so I begged Allah to give me ‘’kesudahan yang terbaik”, which means if I die, I pray it is not because I committed suicide.

This is another level of depression and what worst is because I am in BALI. All I know I will survive, I have to – I don’t know with what ways, but I am not giving up (yet...).

Prima