My Prayer Has Been Answered

A  couple weeks ago, I changed my afternoon walking route and strolled through an area which I never passed before. Let me tell you this, what I get to love about Sanur is I have never shared it with anyone -- I mean, a guy. I did once had dinner with a date in Sanur (which ended with he left me on the street so I had to take GoJek home), but the beach is all for me and myself (well, for me and some good friends). 

But specifically that day, what I saw amazed me. My favorite part of Sanur used to be in the front of the Hyatt/Pizzeria restaurant because there is a vast clean yellowish sand area, a small part of it covered with shady trees, but as many stray dogs make it as their territory, not too many people like to sit there. I love it, I love dogs anyway, and once in a while I feed them. However, this part close to the Prama and Puri Santrian hotel is a lot wider and quieter. The water is so blue and the wave is so calm..... I have no idea why young foreign tourists or so-called 'digital nomads' don't like Sanur. Man, it's so beautiful, much more than Kuta or *uhuk uhuk* Canggu. As I barely see people there at around 4-6 PM, I would love to lay there and read books, but I don't know why I haven't done it yet...

At that moment, the thought of taking someone special: we will sit side by side, hold each other's hand, talk about our days and stuffs; crossed my mind. Look, I have been single for nine years, and as much as I embrace my singleness, I wouldn't saying that I could pass everyday smoothly. Some days are truly, madly, deeply hard. I am good at keeping the sad news to myself, but when something good happened to me and I have no one to share with (or I have to wait for my friends), I became a bit wrecked. As if I wake up in the morning and listen to Bruno Mars singing "Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now", only I had never shared my bed with anyone. "My heart breaks a little", and the good news is no longer good news anymore. 

...

Earlier this year, I wrote a status on Facebook: 

"Dear God, for this year's birthday may I please have someone to come home to, or someone who will come home to me? 10 October is still 8,5 months away. Thank You."

Some days ago, I got a call from a friend who works in a publisher, and we talked about my new book ideas. She encouraged me to write 'this one' and so, hopefully I will publish at least two nonfiction books next year, and another fiction which is translated into English. I was like...

"Allah, what did I ask you? Why more and more personal project? Excuse me, I prefer a 'collaborative' project, I am sure you know what I mean."

Then this morning I contemplated while doing my morning walk (just me being a normal Prima), tried to evaluate my efforts in acquiring a husband, one by one, what I have done, what I haven't done, what works -- obviously many didn't work...

But I have to start thinking about my new book, so I scrolled TED videos, typed "failure" on the search box (because I am going to write about it), and I stumbled upon this video below:

But then I would find my resolve, and always in the same way, by saying, “I’m not going to quit, I’m going home.” And you have to understand that for me, going home did not mean returning to my family’s farm. For me, going home meant returning to the work of writing because writing was my home, because I loved writing more than I hated failing at writing, which is to say that I loved writing more than I loved my own ego, which is ultimately to say that I loved writing more than I loved myself.

You will think that it's simply a coincidence that Elizabeth Gilbert' home is writing -- just exactly what I feel about writing.  I am nowhere close to Elizabeth, I am a mediocre writer: I have two books which was and will be published by myself, not by a major publishing. The sales of my first book was saddening, it could not even pay those bobas I drank while making the book came true. I am a slow columnist and blogger, I only produce very few pieces in a year. But. I. Have. Never. Stopped. And. Not. Yet. Plan. To. 

My point is that I’m writing another one now, and I’ll write another book after that and another and another and another and many of them will fail, and some of them might succeed, but I will always be safe from the random hurricanes of outcome as long as I never forget where I rightfully live.

So then, I realized that Allah has answered my prayer. 

I have been home all along.

He granted it even before I asked.

And now I am content.  

A Letter to My Daughter (Surat untuk Anakku (4))

Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh,

My dearest daughter who is still in the heaven,

How are things there? 

Everything is much better there than here on Earth, I supposed…

Ibu* knows you must be mad because you have been waiting for my letter (“Ibu, I want ONE letter every two years is that too much to ask for?” — Yes, yes I can hear you would say that), but still I had a wish that I don’t need to write you a letter, so I waited until the last day of August…

…and as I — we — only have four months left in this year, we can be sure that we will not meet this year. 

When someone broke Ibu’ heart early last year, Aunty Kiki wondering, “On your wedding day, I will tell it to your husband’ face: “Where have you been? Prima has been waiting for you along her life.”” But I told her, even myself has no clue who he is, where he is right now, and what he is doing until it takes him so much time to pick me up.

Oh, Allah must have whispered to you his name? Can you whisper it to Ibu as well? I promise we will keep it as our secret until the day is coming. ;)

My lovely daughter, the reason I still wake up in the morning and do the things I am doing…

Two years have passed since my last letter, thus I have sent you three letters, and some days are truly hard. 

Ibu wouldn’t lie that sometimes Ibu feels like we will not meet at all. I know my time is limited to have you. I thought I will have you when I was… 24 years old? And this year I will be 32… but I don’t want to give up. Yet. 

You might see me hitting the rock bottom last year, but eventually I rise up, and you might also see… I turned the table in just five months. 

When the world seems like stopped because of the deadly virus called Corona, Ibu signed deals with some parties for Ibu’ second book; started the writing consultancy services with two clients: an exciting book project about traveling, and one of the Fast Company’ Most Innovative Companies 2020; also planning three social projects; all while maintaining performance at the office. On some nights, Ibu cried because Ibu is so exhausted — but in the next morning, Ibu wakes up too early because Ibu is very excited to start the day. 

Yes, you gotta be ready that you will inherit this endless energy from Ibu. :))

Surat Untuk Mamaku (A Letter For My Mom)

Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh, 

Semoga Mama selalu dalam penjagaan Allah. 

Suatu hari pada tahun 2014, setelah kakak kembali ke rumah selama dua tahun, kakak meledak. Betul kakak mengatakan, “Kakak enggak bahagia sama Mama!” Lalu Mama menampar kakak, dan mendorong kakak ke pintu kamar belakang. Luka fisik, jika ada, dapat disembuhkan dengan mudah. Namun luka batin, tertinggal di sana, menganga semakin dan semakin lebar setiap harinya. 

Momentum itu menjadi titik balik dalam kehidupan kakak, karena kakak bisa menerima ketika Mama memukuli kakak waktu kakak masih kecil (kakak nakal, kakak perlu pelajaran kedisiplinan, baiklah). Tapi ketika kakak sudah merasa cukup umur, dan ternyata perasaan kakak tidak layak untuk dipedulikan, kakak bingung harus berbuat apa. 

Lagi, mengambil jarak dari Mama menjadi solusi "instan". Kakak berpikir, mungkin beberapa tahun ke depan kita berdua akan berubah. Kakak bisa legawa dalam menghadapi Mama, pun sebaliknya. 

Kajian agama, buku-buku tentang hubungan orangtua dan anak ataupun percintaan, konsultasi dengan psikolog maupun psikiater sudah kakak telusuri. Ada satu kesimpulan yang kakak ambil, bahwa barangkali pada tahun 2014 itu, bukannya kakak tidak bahagia sama Mama, tapi kakak tidak bahagia karena merasa tidak mampu membuat mama bahagia. 

Sejak Mama menikah lagi dengan papanya adik dan ditinggalkan, kakak mengamati bahwa ada kekosongan di hati Mama. Dan sebagai seorang anak sulung yang dititipi berkat nama “Maha Pengasih”, tanpa sadar kakak mengambil kebahagiaan mama sebagai misi hidup kakak. Kakak mencerna semua kritik dari Mama, ketidakpuasan Mama terhadap diri kakak — atau bahkan orang lain, sebagai kegagalan kakak pribadi. 

Tahun demi tahun, kakak mencobai berbagai jalan agar Mama merasa lebih bahagia, lebih sehat, lebih peduli terhadap diri sendiri (dan adik)… Mama masih terus membuat keputusan-keputusan tanpa pertimbangan matang dalam menyelesaikan tantangan hidup, yang mana ternyata kebanyakan, bukan pilihan yang lebih mudah. Pun bukan dengan cara yang lebih elegan, terutama jika melihat bagaimana Mama memperlakukan beberapa orang yang telah berupaya membantu Mama. 

Maret lalu, ketika kakak tahu Mama memilih untuk kembali ke rumah PS 2, akhirnya kakak menyerah. Tidak akan ada yang bisa kakak lakukan untuk mengubah situasi. Kakak  telah tiba pada titik terendah perasaan kegagalan membahagiakan Mama. Kakak pasrahkan kepada Allah, karena persoalan ini sudah benar-benar di luar kemampuan kakak.

Kamis, 9 Juli 2020, kakak membaca sebuah kalimat dalam buku, “Pada akhirnya aku yakin, jika aku cukup baik, jika aku cukup mencintainya, jika aku cukup berbuat, aku akan bisa memenangkan hatinya dan dia akan mencintaiku. Rasanya seperti berusaha melelehkan gunung es dengan sebatang lilin.”

5 Things I Have Took for Granted Before Coronavirus (Part 2)

For "5 Things I Have Took for Granted Before Coronavirus (Part 1)", read here.

3. Sex Education

I am sure I am not the only person who browsed, “is it safe to have sex during this Coronavirus times?”’ Hahahahaha. I was there in a restaurant, waiting for my takeaway food while I saw a couple smooched passionately in front of me. It actually made me cautious not only because I have been officially single for nine years (cough cough), but more of... I am not sure if this is the right thing to do in this situation. 

However, as I wrote on my Instagram post, exactly at times like this, we need more love and compassion. Most of us have been in touch with family and friends more frequently than ever, because we want to know how they are doing. ‘Good morning’ and ‘how are you’ are not just for courtesy but we really mean it. Long distance relationship and marriage gets harder yet we believe that we still have a hope. 

For sex, it is a bit different case. If two people do it for pleasure, the Coronavirus bring more consciousness between them because there might be a chance to get infected… and if something worse happened, it could be too late to blame anyone. If two people do it for reproduction, will it be a wise decision as there are too many concerning things ahead? True that we cannot predict the future, but now we know that sex education should taught far more than just vagina and penis. Let’s examine all the consequences, as well as the risks. 

4. Sanitation

Image credit.

Grew up in one of the most humid cities in the world (I am exaggerating here), my frequency of taking shower was simply above normal people. This habit is carried away until now, and recently I smiled a bit when I read the suggestion from government to bath after going somewhere. 

My best friend who has been always bring hand sanitizer and wipes everywhere long before this pandemic, were like, “where have you been, people?” 

For some people, clean flowing water and anti-bacterial soap are common parts of life. Some others have to accept the reddish rusty-smell water because the nearest water source is hidden below the coal mining mountain. I was once experienced it in my dad’s working site in South Kalimantan, which could only be reached by ten hours riding the four-wheel drive car from the closest airport. After eight days there, I became okay to flush my pee with some yellowish muddy water at a transit hotel in the middle of the jungle. So I think you can imagine how I reacted when we arrived at the capital city. I felt like soaking in a bathtub full of dollars like Uncle Scrooge McDuck (or as we Indonesians know as 'Paman Gober). :))

5 Things I Have Took for Granted Before Coronavirus (Part 1)

Image credit.

“But actually, you don’t really get affected by this Coronavirus, right?” 

My writing mentor asked me in a video call on Tuesday evening, as she would give me some suggestions on what to do during this pandemic times. I am thinking for a few seconds, and I nodded in doubt. 

I am currently working as a Personal Assistant. While my boss’ business is basically not operating in this moment (she has some ventures in tourism field), she still asks me to come whenever possible, then we will arrange work matters for 4-5 hours a day. Being a businesswoman for years, she is trying to be in the regular busy state even if our movement is a lot limited these days. 

So why do myself feel like tired all the time, even when my working hours has been cut to almost half - and supposedly allow me to rest more? 

One of the main reasons is, I hate uncertainty.

I hate not knowing what I am facing, yet when I read more about the things that going on, I still hate it because I still don’t know when it will be quit.

When I was on Tinder last year, I was totally fine if I met a jerk. I know for sure things won’t be continued even if it’s just a friendship. However, when I found myself spending time with a “nice” guy who treated me like a princess but then suddenly ghosted me or blocked me, I feel suffocated. 

“What did I do wrong? What should I do to make things get better?”

And I could never find the answer.

When the news about Coronavirus blown up in Indonesia in early March (we are always late, as usual), I was being grumpy for some days. Since February, I have imagined that I will spend Good Friday holiday shopping at Chatuchak Market, cruising on the Chaophraya river, and riding the train for a day trip to Ayutthaya... I have planned the journey as a gift to myself because I have finished my novel draft. But all of the sudden, I decided to not going to the mall again, canceled my gym membership, and ended up crying in a weekend. 

Fast forward to Silence Day which was extended, I prepared myself with pile of books, as well as loads of snacks and fruits. It was my first time celebrating Silence Day in Bali, and  despite the fact that I was indeed amazed by the sky full of bright stars (my friend captured the milky way as you can see here), I couldn’t even brace myself to stay in a hotel where there are too many people I don’t know.

And after two days completely not going anywhere, I was glad that I still sane. 

“Prima, it was just two days! We’ve been in lockdown for more than ten days!”

Relax, my European fellas. I cannot pretend that I know how you feel because I don’t. But, look. Since I decided to write this book in the second week of January, I have been particularly spending almost ninety percent of my spare time in my room. I have been so fed up with my day pyjamas and my home-working space, I even hate seeing my pantry until I bought some lavenders in the pot to spice it up a bit. It doesn’t work, the lavenders is now crawling to death as it complies my mental breakdown.

Only on one of those days (we start to forget the days and dates I assume), when I tried to water my lavenders at my room terrace, I finally realised that there are some things I took for granted during the normal days. Correction, so many! And among those many, I chose five that, for me, most essentials. Let’s see if we have same thoughts about these things below:

Book Review: Traveling Aja Dulu! - Olivia Dianina

Website Traveling Aja Dulu!: https://www.travelingajadulu.com/

It’s funny to see the way universe works to make your dream comes true. Ketika saya menerima buku Traveling Aja Dulu! dari Olivia Dianina, saya punya banyak pemikiran skeptis di benak saya. Sudah lima tahun sejak terakhir kali saya menjejak terminal keberangkatan internasional di bandara. Paspor saya yang hampir memasuki masa kadaluwarsa tergeletak menyedihkan di dalam sebuah tas bersamaan dengan dokumen-dokumen berharga lainnya. Sebentar lagi saya harus bersiap untuk membuat paspor baru meskipun juga belum tahu hendak kemana, kapan, dengan siapa, berbuat apa, dan sebagainya.

Satu bulan kemudian, saya duduk di seat 38B pesawat KLM menuju Singapura. Untuk merayakan tahun baru bersama bos dan rekan kerja (yang baru). 

As crazy and cliche as it sounds, dream CAN comes true. 

Satu hal yang membuat saya semakin merinding saat menuliskan blog post ini adalah, untuk melakukan perjalanan ke Singapura kemarin, saya tidak perlu mengeluarkan uang sama sekali! Sebagaimana cerita Olivia yang kebanyakan perjalanannya di-cover oleh studi dan pekerjaan, saya jadi semakin yakin untuk bermimpi, bermimpi, bermimpi setinggi mungkin - dan izinkan Tuhan membimbing kita menuju jalan untuk mewujudkan mimpi tersebut. 

Saya mengenal Olivia di sebuah event bertajuk Nomads for Change di Ubud. Sejak pertama berjabat tangan, saya tahu kami akan berteman baik. Sosoknya yang inspiratif, penuh semangat dan optimisme, membuat saya betah berlama-lama berdiskusi dengannya. Dari mulai gelora asmara yang jenaka, hingga isu-isu sosial yang membuat hidup lebih bermakna. 

Maka saya berbangga ketika ia memilih saya untuk membaca bukunya yang memuat segala pengalaman traveling-nya. Belakangan saya tahu dari buku ini, bahwa Olivia mendapatkan empat beasiswa luar negeri dari mulai kuliah kuliah S-2 di Australia, hingga kursus tentang kebudayaan dan lingkungan di Jepang. Dengan demikian, apa yang ia bagikan di buku ini lebih dari sekadar tentang senang-senang. 

Itulah sebabnya saya memilih jalur edukasi sebagai kendaraan awal agar bisa traveling ke luar negeri. Dengan jalur itu, saya tidak perlu keluar modal besar dan bisa sejalan dengan harapan orangtua. Bonusnya, saya bisa ikut kegiatan yang akan membantu karier saya di masa depan. Berkat konferensi-lah saya bisa traveling ke luar negeri untuk pertama kali. 

Gara-gara baca buku ini, saya jadi ingat kalau pertama kali saya ke luar negeri juga bukan karena jalan-jalan semata. Tahun 2002, saya mengikuti World Scout Jamboree di Thailand, mewakili Provinsi Jawa Timur. Sepulang dari sana, saya ikut tour group untuk menyambangi Kuala Lumpur dan Singapura. Baru 16 tahun kemudian, saya bisa mengunjungi Singapura lagi (kalau Kuala Lumpur terakhir tahun 2014).