Monday Journal #4 & #5

Starting this week with a great doubt, “maybe I shouldn’t come back to Bali?”

I always embrace solitude, but this time I feel so lonely as I don’t know who to talk to. My sister has not responded to my WA text and message on Facebook, and she even rejected my call. With my mom blocked my WA, I really feel like I am being left out. Of course with my cousin came with me to Ubud last Thursday, as she had a wedding party to attend to (and I got invited too), it helped a lot. But soon after she was gone, I drowned again. For some minutes, I considered to buy a flight ticket and go home to Malang.

But I know the situation won’t be better...

Flashback to last Monday, actually I was encouraged about being a guru ngaji as I joined the National Gathering of Rubaiyat. You know last year I tried to teach some students here in Bali (and in Jakarta as well), and my journey was unquestionably difficult. It was indeed fulfilling but sometimes I called my best friend crying, oh why my student like this, and another student like that...

That’s when I got closer with Quran and read Sirah Nabawiyah more... I know the battle of the prophets is much severe than mine. Even Nabi Nuh had only 70 followers after hundred years of da’wah. I shouldn’t complain, should I?

However, as my departure time to Bali was approaching, a new problem emerged. Last year I depended on my pengajian friends to strengthen my faith, but now I only have TWO friends left (well, it’s still better than no one, though). Long story short, I decided to sign out from WhatsApp group because I couldn’t stand of being mocked by the members. It wasn’t the first time we argued with everyone versus me situation, but this time I got mad. If it’s a ‘live’ discussion, I might be screaming, “Iqra’, Ukhti!!!” (and I did send this text). Eventually I have to accept the fact that they only opened the discussion for those who agree with the grand opinion. What hurts me the most were the facilitators also attacked me; in the group, on personal chat, and on WhatsApp status. I was like... what kind of ‘sisters’ I am connecting in here...

I don’t know what will happen in the next days ahead, but I am looking forward to meet my best friends who plan to visit Bali on Friday. I am afraid of loneliness yet I set my room to be completely dark last night. I am thankful that I still can wake up this morning and I pray that I will be optimistic again soon, but until I have that spark, I decided to hold the activities of Muslimah Sinau. I just want to spend more time with Alquran now, recite and read the translation. I know this is not the end of my life, and so I begged Allah to give me ‘’kesudahan yang terbaik”, which means if I die, I pray it is not because I committed suicide.

This is another level of depression and what worst is because I am in BALI. All I know I will survive, I have to – I don’t know with what ways, but I am not giving up (yet...).

Prima