Monday, January 21, 2019

Monday Journal #2 & #3

Some weeks ago, a friend of mine said, “We never know what’s going to happen tomorrow”. I, being a person who is freak with preparation and certainty, whispered, “But we can always plan”.

Then Allah hits me hard by turning my life upside down for the last two weeks.

I went to Jakarta on Wednesday, January 9, with two plans: accompanying Qowi and holding “A Day Full of Inspiration”. Rode Majapahit train were one of the worst decisions in my life, 16 hours on the train for God sake!!! Once I arrived in Jakarta, I took a nap for an hour, rushed to check the event venue, then went to Qowi’ house for pengajian. I know I said that the event got cancelled but because of some considerations I think it HAS to be realized. MasyaAllah, I could only praise Allah all over the way because He made it possible. Unfortunately, I hardly concentrated with the event on Sunday as I felt ache all over my body. Even worse, I didn’t want to cry in front of Qowi so I endured those emotional feeling along the days.

Seven days passed quickly and this whole experience was indeed make me feel grateful regarding some little things that I used to complain about; but then I lost the sense of what really matters. Things are slipped from my hands, and I didn’t know what to expect anymore. I don’t understand which thing that influence more – is it because I am currently sick (flu + sore throat + inflammation + cough) or because I am psychologically discomfort. Suddenly Ubud is no longer important as all I want is snuggling on my bed and doing nothing.

However, as I read Yaasiin three times last week, these verses stuck in my head:

Only then I came into two conclusions:
1. I have been acting like Allah is not All-Powerful. Everything I gained were because of my efforts, and if there is something doesn’t happen in the future it’s His mistake. 
2. I have considered myself a perfect human being so no one will beat me. I am saying this for a specific case but again, I forgot that Allah is Almighty. Why would He give me something when He knows something is better to not be with me?

Therefore, I am learning to let go. I am trying to move forward by whatever it means, because being trapped in this zone hurts me so much. I love the idea of love. For me, love is give and give NOT take and give. I love giving some parts of me to someone but this is it. I guess the ‘fight for love’ spirit is overrated and we should be really careful with that. These two months break have opened my eyes that I just can't make some people happy, and I should love myself before I love others. 

I will be more determined to turn to Allah when I am disappointed. I should have prioritized what He wants me to do, not what I really want to do for the sake of my lust. I hope, next time Allah tested me, I can ask myself, "what Allah wants me to learn?" instead of complaining. 

I won’t regret the past and I pray that this beautiful feeling (of loving someone) will come back to me one day. But for now, let’s just open a new page of life and begin another dream.

Bismillah.

Lots of love,
Prima

Image source: Faedah Surat Yasin: Kun Fayakun

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