Monday, March 6, 2017

I Want to Get Married

Being a single myself for almost 6 years now, I rarely ask “when will you get married?” to people, except to my friends whom I know well and I am sure they have boyfriend/girlfriend. I have known too many single women and men – and often I am a bit in doubt as I think...they are waaay older than me.

However, when I know the real age of this guy, I wonder what makes him still single until now. Probably, just like how some people seeing me. There must be something wrong about him, or me. For me, the assumptions can be sickening.

“Oh, you must have been always reject your parents’ suggestions.”
“Don’t be picky!”
“You work too hard.” – or – “You travel too much.”
“You are too independent, men are afraid of you.”
“You are not pious enough, pray more!”

Sadly, these kind of suspicion even contrary with what I am prepared to. As an adult, I have to be responsible to myself. It means, I have to work and earn money. Now that I am trying to escalate my career (or expand my work opportunity), I have to study and graduate. Everyone has his/her own priority, can’t you understand?

Sometimes I ask myself, have I ever prioritize marriage above anything else? My mind always occupied with many things I don’t even look for someone to date with. I thought my time will come someday, someday, someday; and suddenly I am 28 years old now. Did I miss something – or someone? Did I accidentally skip the right man?

Maybe that’s why I laughed at my boss idea about online dating. My boss is a lovely person and I know whoever with her is a lucky man. She is also a super busy entrepreneur, despite the fact that she might seems cold, her energy is derived by loving and caring people around her. But online dating? Why? I felt okay with myself. When she said that it might give me a better chance to meet my husband candidate, I thought she didn’t mean it. [First time she suggested me to create an account, it was end of 2015. Surely I declined the idea and forget it soon.]

Time goes by, we met again and she forced me. She said I deserve to be happy. And I responsed, “I AM happy.” She answered, “I know you are. But don’t you think that happiness meant to be shared?” I mumbled, but I let her installed online dating app and filled my profile.

I didn’t expect too much, so when I found myself emotionally attached to this guy from Pakistan, I was surprised. I almost quitted this app in only two weeks that time, but luckily I saw his profile at the very last time, right before I was about to click ‘disable account’. Up until now, it’s been three months. It doesn’t always smooth, to be honest. But I always hear a whisper saying, “it might works.”   

It doesn’t automatically diminishes my curiousity. If I was happy and alright with being single, why I still want to have a relationship? As I said, with all the hardship, I still got back to him, again and again. Am I just scared of being lonely?

I am not.

You might think I have warm personality and yes, I have a lot of friends. But I enjoy solitude more than other people. My roommate almost never been single because she doesn’t like to be alone. She constantly meet her friends while I can just refuse my friend’ invitation if I am not in the mood (thanks Allah for giving me such kind of understanding friends). I can turn off my phone for days and I don’t feel lost.

So why it has to be now? Why it has to be him? (uhm, perhaps it doesn't HAS TO BE now/him...)

Maybe, just maybe. Because after all this time, I have changed my mind about marriage. I thought at first we have to get married, no matter what. I thought it will be so pathetic to spend the rest of lifetime by myself. I thought having spouse and kids is everything – the only reason of happiness. While you don’t realize, marriage is NOT happily ever after. It requires hard work, every single day. It needs a lot of forgiveness and compassionate.

I finally came to a comprehension that marriage is another personal development, which you can have in order to upgrade yourself. You can find ways to grow, but with the support of someone (...you love and loves you back), you may cultivate further and faster.

I want to be the reason for someone to fight – and I want to have more reasons to keep doing better. This time, the strongest motivation is myself (or perhaps my family). But I once told my best friend, “I think there is no better feeling than looking at your kids’ eyes, then realize that all your sweat and tears are paid off.”

I want to please Allah without having to compromise myself. In life you keep making sacrifice and sometimes you worry if it is worthy. But I eventually believe that all you’ve done for Him, surely will be counted. And who can figure out if He has decide to give something big for you, not only here on earth but maybe later?

I am grateful to have this motivation again. I wish something bigger coming soon, as my best friend reminds me to have positive thoughts, especially towards Allah. I will, Put.

Bismillah.

Lots of love,
Prima 

Read also: Don't Get Married 

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