Wednesday, October 12, 2016

A Gloomy Birthday

Despite the fact that I AM grateful for so many love I received from my lovely friends, to be honest, it was actually hard for me to wake up on my birthday. I did suhoor but then I laid back on my bed and I didn’t have any motivation to get up and work. My grandma, my dad, and my mom called me, but I still feel like, no I don’t want to go out from my room. It was almost like Bruno Mars ‘The Lazy Song’: “today I don’t feel like doing anything”.  But finally I have to wake up as my cousin also celebrated birthday and it was rude for me to not congratulate him.

Actually the sad feeling has been there since some days ago, but I decided not to share it with anyone as it’s actually pretty tiresome. I also don’t want to make it as a big matter as I believe, when I share it to someone who has same thoughts with me, the sad feeling will multiplying and it will makes me feel worse. 

Lately that day I found out that I got sore throat and I collapsed. I hate to be sick when there are a lot of things going on, with two new projects coming in, and I want to restart my thesis. Eventually I cry as I feel like I had no one to talk to. I know you will say why don’t you talk to Allah? I will reveal something later. But I couldn’t express it by words as I just want to be heard and wasn’t ready to hear any feedback.

One of the reasons that makes me hard to think clearly as I compared myself to some people. My cousin who is three years younger than me, celebrated her birthday in early October, and she has been married for two years. My best friend, also celebrated her birthday close to my cousin, has been married for three years. I am 28 years old now, two months to the end of year, and I don’t see any husband candidate come closer.

I know that it is contradictory to my posts that show how happy I am to be a single woman. I just felt so weak and insecure and vulnerable at some points, like everyone does.

To make it worse, my favorite song these last days is Frances – Say It Again. Watch the video and read the lyrics below. 

Say it again
I know that I should believe it
But I never thought someone
Would love me like you say you do

Last night I met someone who said that I speak English well and highly educated so I have to chase the opportunity to work overseas. He was close to someone that I imagine to be my type of man. He is a bit tall, have so much experiences in working abroad, not to mention he is foreigner and handsome too. Unfortunately he is Indian. LOL.

No, it was just a representation. But turned out, I feel so hesitant if there is someone who will love me for the way I am. I want to aim higher and I hope to have a spouse who always motivates me. But I don’t think I am good enough for a man who has achieved a lot.  

I realize that we’ve been taught not to question God’s decision. I cried because I hold myself from nagging and complaining, trust me, it hurts SO MUCH. I do understand the clock is ticking too, and I almost wonder something like, “why do I have to wait for so long?”

But then, I saw my aunt – she got married when she was 32 years old, so in the worst scenario, I might have to wait another four years. Or not, if Allah is so kind to let me meet my other half somewhere next year.

However, I still cried until I recited Qur’an and found this verse,
“Man was created of haste. I will show you My signs, so do not impatiently urge Me.” (Q.S. Al-Anbiya’ 21: 37)

“Manusia telah dijadikan (bertabiat) tergesa-gesa. Kelak akan Aku perIihatkan kepadamu tanda-tanda azab-Ku. Maka janganlah kamu minta kepada-Ku mendatangkannya dengan segera.” Catatan: di Al-Qur’an terjemahan yang saya baca, ‘tanda-tanda azab-Ku’ diterjemahkan sebagai ‘tanda-tanda (kekuasaan)-ku’.

The verse might not related to what I am experiencing now, as the verse(s) tell something else – it’s about Kaafir group who demanded Allah’s punishment to prove that they are wrong. But I think this is it. Why should I feel in a hurry, if Allah has decided the other way?

Once my friend said this to me – sorry, can’t find the way to tell it right in English so I have to write in Indonesian:
“Loe tau memang sabar itu susah. Tapi kesabaran loe pasti ada hadiahnya. Loe mikirnya gini, lo sekarang sedang dikasih ujian supaya naik kelas. Kalau loe berhasil naik kelas, loe bakal dapat itu seorang pendamping terbaik buat loe, yang udah disiapin sama Allah, yang loe engga pernah ngebayangin deh. Tapi loe terkungkung di tempat sekarang, loe engga move on, loe engga mau berkembang dan engga mau ngejar sesuatu yang lebih baik. Loe protes mulu ke Allah kok engga dikasih-kasih jodoh, yaudah Allah kasih aja sekarang, yang seadanya. Yang bisa aja baik buat loe, tapi seandainya aja loe mau sabar sedikit lagi, loe bisa dapat yang lebih baik. Jadi loe mau gimana?”

The point is, I have to patient one more time, one more day, one more week, one more month, and probably one more year. It’s tough but this is what Allah wants so you can level up.

Hugs to all single women out there,

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