Yesterday’s topic for Ramadan Menulis was “one experience in April/May 2018 that strengthened you.” I wish I can met the deadline just like the participants did, but truth to be told, my body is still adapting with fasting and all the activities. Additionally, I didn’t expect that reading and reviewing 30 writings at the same time can be overwhelming; and I also have to choose best one/two, make posts, and upload them. I only have around one hour to do everything between my job and prayers… so yeah I delegated some tasks to Henny and Ceri.
By the way, I am still quite hurt with what happened around two weeks ago. Two times prayed tarawih with my stepmom and kissed her hand, I felt… awkward. I supposed to kiss my mom’s hand but she is not here with me. And I am still confused until now, like… Should I take the risk to go home and apologize? Or should I just stay silent until… Only Allah knows how I should reconcile with my mom, as the last accident was really painful.
But you know what makes the pain diminished? It was because I… eventually considered my stepmom as my own mother. WHOAAA, I can’t believe that I wrote that. For the last 23 years, I called her “Bu Xxxx” with name, yes Pemirsa, with name. And she always call herself with that name too when she talks with me. As my siblings call her ‘mama’, while I have my ‘mama’ in Surabaya, I just couldn’t have two ‘mama’ in my life. As much as I respect her, she would be forever “Bu Xxxx” for me. That’s why I also tended to point her as my dad’s wife, because that’s how I look at her.
However, after crying non-stop for every single day since Monday one week ago, my best friend encouraged me to tell this problem to Bu Xxxx. I said, “OMG NO, I wouldn’t do that.” But my best friend, Cibi, said I can’t take this by myself. Family should be a support system, no matter what the definition is. As I have lived in Malang for more than one month now, I should consider them as my closest family.
That Saturday, after I washed my hair (penting) and my stepmom came back from arisan, I decided to tell her why I don’t go home (to Surabaya) this weekend. I tell her everything; from the argument, the continuous fight, my battle in reducing my ego and trying to go to Surabaya every weekend, how I asked to go to psychiatrist/psychologist together, everything. I didn’t know how I could tell her without tears, but I stayed tough until the end of conversation. Luckily, I received heart-warming response, and she said, “I pray for you to find a good husband soon because you deserve it. You’re a good daughter and a good woman.” Well, she also added that she will keep supporting me to go home because after all she IS a mother and nothing will break a mother’s heart than disconnecting with a daughter.
It became a point where I no longer saw her merely as my dad’s wife, but a mother of mine. If there were some troubles in establishing relationship between us, it must have been me who built the high wall so that she couldn’t came in. Or, it was my negative thoughts saying she will not love me the way she loves her children.
Anyway, this Ramadan I thank Allah for a second chance for two of us. Me and my stepmom. I hope, if there is any obstacle you are facing with your family, will be resolved before Eid Fitri. So please pray for me and my mom too, would you?
Lots of love,
Prima
By the way, I am still quite hurt with what happened around two weeks ago. Two times prayed tarawih with my stepmom and kissed her hand, I felt… awkward. I supposed to kiss my mom’s hand but she is not here with me. And I am still confused until now, like… Should I take the risk to go home and apologize? Or should I just stay silent until… Only Allah knows how I should reconcile with my mom, as the last accident was really painful.
But you know what makes the pain diminished? It was because I… eventually considered my stepmom as my own mother. WHOAAA, I can’t believe that I wrote that. For the last 23 years, I called her “Bu Xxxx” with name, yes Pemirsa, with name. And she always call herself with that name too when she talks with me. As my siblings call her ‘mama’, while I have my ‘mama’ in Surabaya, I just couldn’t have two ‘mama’ in my life. As much as I respect her, she would be forever “Bu Xxxx” for me. That’s why I also tended to point her as my dad’s wife, because that’s how I look at her.
However, after crying non-stop for every single day since Monday one week ago, my best friend encouraged me to tell this problem to Bu Xxxx. I said, “OMG NO, I wouldn’t do that.” But my best friend, Cibi, said I can’t take this by myself. Family should be a support system, no matter what the definition is. As I have lived in Malang for more than one month now, I should consider them as my closest family.
That Saturday, after I washed my hair (penting) and my stepmom came back from arisan, I decided to tell her why I don’t go home (to Surabaya) this weekend. I tell her everything; from the argument, the continuous fight, my battle in reducing my ego and trying to go to Surabaya every weekend, how I asked to go to psychiatrist/psychologist together, everything. I didn’t know how I could tell her without tears, but I stayed tough until the end of conversation. Luckily, I received heart-warming response, and she said, “I pray for you to find a good husband soon because you deserve it. You’re a good daughter and a good woman.” Well, she also added that she will keep supporting me to go home because after all she IS a mother and nothing will break a mother’s heart than disconnecting with a daughter.
It became a point where I no longer saw her merely as my dad’s wife, but a mother of mine. If there were some troubles in establishing relationship between us, it must have been me who built the high wall so that she couldn’t came in. Or, it was my negative thoughts saying she will not love me the way she loves her children.
Anyway, this Ramadan I thank Allah for a second chance for two of us. Me and my stepmom. I hope, if there is any obstacle you are facing with your family, will be resolved before Eid Fitri. So please pray for me and my mom too, would you?
Lots of love,
Prima
Kak Prim, aku doakan kakak selalu. Semoga bahagia, lekas baikan sama mama & ketemu someone yang akan membawa Kak Prim ke kehidupan yang lebih baik & bahagia :*
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