When I Stopped Chasing, Life Started Giving

2024 is undoubtedly one of the best years of my life, rivaled only by 2018, when I moved to Bali to work for the Ubud Writers & Readers Festival. But when I say “the best year,” I don’t mean everything went smoothly. Life, just like seasons, needs variety to stay exciting and momentous.

Healing and Prioritizing Myself

2023 left me shaken in more ways than one. I was hospitalized during Ramadan, feeling physically fragile, but the true blow came during the Idulfitri holiday. There I was, on a train passing through a city, heading home to my family, when someone I loved decided it was the perfect moment to break my heart. That “smart” guy didn’t just ruin my trip—he turned it into a ride through emotional chaos.

In 2024, I knew I had to pick up the pieces. My one goal? To maintain my sanity and well-being. I embraced solitude, stepping back from dating and focusing on myself. My days felt like a pandemic rewind—home, office, and mosques became my sanctuary.

This focus led me to a deeper spiritual journey. Inspired by 14 Hari Menulis Jurnal held by Wellbeing Journey, I committed to Quran recitation, taraweeh, and i’tikaf. After Idulfitri, this grew into a weekly habit of attending Islamic lectures, sometimes up to three sessions a week. The more I shifted my focus to the Hereafter, the more contentment I found.

The Gratitude Effect

Alongside my spiritual growth, I began practicing gratitude using a Gratitude app. My goal of hitting 100 Days of Gratitude brought unexpected blessings into my life, including opportunities I hadn’t dared to dream of before.

Once-in-a-Lifetime Adventures

This year, I experienced the extraordinary gift of traveling abroad for free—not once, but twice!

- Bangkok: For the Changemakerxchange Homecoming Gathering.

- The Philippines: My very first trip to this country. I skipped Manila and headed straight to Danao City, Cebu, where I stayed in a beachside resort for a workshop with Clean Mobility Collective Southeast Asia. Every evening, we dined to the soothing sound of ocean waves and the scent of salty air. It felt like a love letter from the universe, reminding me of my life in Sanur, Bali.

- Closer to home, I returned to the Ubud Writers & Readers Festival, supervising International Writers Liaisons and even moderating a movie screening session. This year felt like a full-circle moment, reconnecting me with my Bali chapter.

Balancing Work and Passion

2024 was also the year I found a rhythm between my professional responsibilities and passion projects. While fully committed to my job, extracurricular activities like teaching as a freelance trainer for JobHun and Remote Skills Academy allowed me to grow creatively and expand my network.

This balance became especially important as I grappled with my PhD plans. After meaningful discussions with my career coach, I chose to pause and prepare myself better. In letting go of that chase, I found more opportunities and clarity.

Creating and Sharing Stories

Perhaps one of the most fulfilling accomplishments this year was writing and publishing a mini book about my journey as a single woman, titled "Unstoppable". Released as a free e-book on my birthday, it marked a personal milestone—proof that I can turn my stories into something impactful to share with others.

Grateful for 2024, Ready for 2025

An Instagram post once said, “Maybe you don't notice your progress because you are always raising the bar.” That resonates deeply as I reflect on this year: returning to Allah’s way, traveling for free, and embracing unshakable confidence to choose myself.

As I welcome 2025, I do so with open arms and faith that surrendering leads to better things. 

Dear 2025, I hope you’re kind to me.

The Year of Starting All Over Again

This morning I woke up with excitement as I have appointment for another “mentee” that will join the career consultation with me. After the first mentee yesterday, I am getting more thrilled to listen to the stories from aspiring career fighters/fresh graduates. I told Najwa, my today’s mentee, that this kind of interaction is not only beneficial for them but also for me. They are keeping me updated with the world of job-seeking nowadays, and I also learn a thing or two from their journey. 

After finishing the consultation at 7:10, I walked at Kemang Village, and masyaAllah.. The feeling of immerse gratitude warmed my heart. On my birthday this year, I “lost” everything – I know it might not be the right word to portray what really happened, but like many people know, that time I was angry, sad, devastated, and clueless. 

I somehow cannot believe, that in less than three months: I have a new amazing job, stay in a decent comfortable place (with a swimming pool that I can say almost private because it is only me and another housemate who use it), and already fostering a lovely cat. Some people would say I am lucky, but if possible I would be screaming to their face, “you have no idea what I have been through to get here!” 

2022 is an exhausting year, indeed. I began this year with the detailed plan of Gathering Nasional Bojonegoro, and in the middle of the preparation, I got COVID-19 which effects lasted for weeks. I got tired quickly, no matter how much I eat or how consistent my workout is, even in the times when I do not work that hard. Ramadan, although making me joyful as usual, but we started to do “buka bareng” and tarawih in the mosque. “Mudik” was also not giving me a refreshing feeling, as people are no longer can wait to gather with their family. Getting the tickets was a hustle, not to mention the trips with a packed train or plane. 

With the rest of the energy, I crawled into September, and just like what I have written here, I eventually knocked out much earlier than I expected. 

*sigh

Okay, this is a lot different than what I planned to write, lol. 

What I actually wanted to say was, I do not want to sugarcoat everything. Skip all those motivational and inspiring quotes, when sh*t happens in your life, it just happened. There is nothing you can do right at the incident time, other than accept and surrender. Just like how you swim in the ocean:

Trying to swim against a rip current will only use up your energy; energy you need to survive and escape the rip current. Do NOT try to swim directly into to shore. Swim along the shoreline until you escape the current's pull. When free from the pull of the current, swim at an angle away from the current toward shore. – US National Weather Service 

Thus, I guess that this is the first progress I made during 2022. I learned to accept, surrender, and let go faster than in the last few years; and I believe it contributes to “the better life” I am currently building. To be fair, I did not have many energy to journal, but whenever I pushed myself to write, I kind of release negative energy from my body. With the help of guided sleep meditation, I can sleep a bit more peacefully; and one of the biggest wins of the year was meeting a psychologist whose vibe align with my prayers along the years. 

On the other hand, a much more visible progress which I can be proud of, can bee seen in my career journey. There is a slight uncomfortable feeling I am experiencing as I am writing this, probably because as a woman I am raised to not acknowledging my achievements straightforwardly, but anyways.. after dozens of applications, I went to several important interviews, and landed one job in a relatively quick time. When I asked my network to share the news that I am searching for a job, they helped without any doubt; and I got recommendations from anywhere. 

On top of everything, I came to the end of year accomplishing one book draft, yay! After leaving my blog idle for two years, I am glad that I still be able to pour my experiences and thoughts into pages of writing. However, to be honest, I am not satisfied with the result, so I am entering the phase of reflection and consideration to transform it into a different form of writing. Based on the wisdom of publishing two previous books, I want to take it more slowly this time, although if I can launch it at the Ubud Writers & Readers Festival 2023, that will be awesome!

Initially I thought that I will close this year with a ready-to-submit application for PhD, or an establishment certificate of my own foundation, but Allah is the best scenario writer. Valerie in her podcast, The Mindful Babe, said that sometimes you do not get what you manifest simply because God knows better that it is not what you NEED. This year I wanted to be in control of many things, only to realize that I focused too much on the outcome but neglecting the action and implementation. 

Therefore, my theme for 2023 will be UNLEARN, UPSKILL, and RESKILL. I am more than ready to empty my cup, grasp more meaningful lessons from inspiring people, and walk step by step… to be arrived in December 2023 with a solid plan in my hand, whether it is to really pursue Ph.D, or take a certification in community engagement, event organizing, public relations, or human resources management. 

I embarked on my journey in 2022 feeling like have to force things in order to obtain something, but as I close the pages, I comprehend that sometimes, all you can do is open to God and trust the divine timing. Laa hawla walaa quwwata illa billah. 

Pamit

"Change is scary but so is staying the same."

“Don’t you want to move to Jakarta?”

“Why?”

“So that we live closer.”

“If I moved to Jakarta and we live closer, what would YOU do TO ME?”

“…..”

He didn’t answer. He didn’t say a word when he drove me to the train station, and even though I told myself to not look back, I knew he took my pic as I walked by.

I never expected that it would be the last time we saw each other.

---

Falling in love is never easy.

You have butterflies on your stomach constantly. You feel your body goes hot and cold when you text him and wait for his response. You giggle as you remember the silly jokes and flirty chats. You cry when you cannot see his face more than three days.

It’s messy.

As much as I believe that happiness and sorrow are two main fuels in writing, I don’t like it when I start loving a guy. I am not myself when I care too much, I realize I cannot make a guy loves me if he doesn’t want to, and this uncertainty puts me – most of the times – in bad mood.

However, being a hopeless romantic and a full-of-rainbow Energizer rabbit, if you ask me if it is still worthy to love and lost, I will firmly say yes.

"Coincidentally", he published this book moments before meeting me.

---

You see, even a guy cannot changed my mind to leave everything and start over in Jakarta. It was January 2019, one week after his mom passed away. Both of us had no job, he resigned when his mom entered the fourth stadium of breast cancer, and I just finished my contract in Ubud (later on that week, I got the contract renewal and went back to Bali).

It was a battle in my heart and mind. I know I love this guy and we could make good partnership, but I also know that it is an unrequited love. My gut said he will marry soon, although that time I was the only woman in his life other than his mom and sisters, then yes it came true. 5 March 2019, he texted me that he is about to propose a girl… in which I used that text as an opening for my second book.

So why would a simple girl whose daily rituals included performing morning walk while waiting for the sunrise in Sanur and sipping coconut while watching the sunset in Seminyak or Uluwatu; packed all of her stuffs then transform her lifestyle to adapt with hustle and bustle in a metropolitan city?

Yes, she fell in love.

But this time, she didn’t fell in love with a guy. She “fell in love” with FOUR guys and their dreams. She believed in their vision and mission; and wanted to take a part in actualizing this noble purpose.

She has been taught by her parents and big family, to surround herself with people who fight for the prosperity of the people. She has been “branded” by her friends, that whenever she accepted a job to work for, she is not looking for money. She lives for His blessings, so as difficult as it was to get out from her comfort zone: she made a prayer, put her faith in God, and off she went.

---

I can assure she had so much fun.

Although she faced so much confusion as well, but the days went very fast, leaving no space for her to overthink like she usually did.

Even before officially working, she already got introduced to the facilitators and seniors. She also got calls to resolve issues among the volunteers! And the more time she spent at office, the more she feels energized! She finally found her place!

Some people experiencing different duration for honeymoon, but for her it lasted for at least ten months. She is having a platform to create, connect, and contribute – just like her life principles; so if she could stay at office for meetings and doings, she would. She argued, supported – and got supported, joked around her teammates. For her, everyone is just like her younger sisters or brothers. She likes to see them growing to become better human. Boy, when it came to performance reviews and she had to let go somebody, she lost her appetite for days.

After a few months, we can see that her popularity is rising. Volunteers started contacting her not only to ask advices for social projects, but also to hear her opinion about their love life.

“Yooo, your Director is single as f*ck. How dare you come to me for suggestions?”

So many smiles. So many laugh. Just like a quote on the cover of a monthly journal her best friend gave her before starting the new year.

Slow but sure, physically exhausted but mentally still want to pursue the goals, she began to feel insecurities crawling inside her body. There is a voice inside her head saying she is not good enough, and eventually she will fail. She held her tears so hardly in a brainstorming session with a senior, as he said, “if you even failed, so what? Nobody in this world who is never failed.”

That’s when she found another quote, “The day you plant the seed is not the day you eat the fruit.” She internalized these words like a mantra. Now whenever she heard those doubts, she told herself that she is a farmer, and someday there will be a perfect time to harvest.

But patience is not her best trait. She wants a result – a BIG one – RIGHT NOW. She is having another battle to be win for. She poured over herself, more, more, more, until nothing left for herself. Silently, she talks to psychologist, psychiatrist, and career coaches, because somehow she is convinced that she is a bad leader. Her performance slopping down, although on the other hands, people still congratulate her for making some breakthroughs. She believed they tell lies just to make her happy… she cannot comprehend why people still compliment her for what she took as failures.

Eventually, that day arrived sooner than she predicted.

The day she lost her confidence.

One mistake.

Became THE trigger for all the destructions.

---

Three weeks, she struggled with anger, disappointment, and guilt. NOT to anyone but to herself. She wanted to fight harder but she could not even think straight. She was, and still – until this writing is published – in love with all of this, but she doesn’t know if the other side wanted her as well. The joy disappeared instantly, she lost her appetite more severe even when she had dinner with a guy she really likes, she said, “please finish, I will stop.”

In contrary with what people might be thinking, she blamed herself for everything that happened.

“You should have been more patient.”

“Yes, you should have fought harder.”

“You are a Communications Master but very, very not communicative.”

---

Three weeks, she journals every single day, often. On her diary, on her phone. Tried to rationalize and making sense.

At one point, she found herself sick. Indeed, like a friend made an example for her, “you must be feeling like a tree that being revoked until its roots, leaving a big hole on the surface.”

As painful as it is, she said it should stop. She still got contacted by volunteers, and she found enlightenment when they shared their stories…

“Kak Prima, hari ini kami dapat dukungan dari komunitas…..”

“Kak Prima, mohon doa kami akan antarkan bantuan ke pelosok…..”

“Kak Prima, minggu ini kami mau launching gerakan yang dulu kakak bantu inisiasi…..”

As much as she wishes to be given a chance to defend herself and fix everything; she chose to surrender and let go.

After all, just like falling in love to a guy, if he doesn’t want to be with you anymore, why would you beg him strongly?

---

Today, she will be returning to Jakarta. But most probably not to go back to that house anymore.

She really misses everyone, but she decided to close the page, and one day if they ever met again, hopefully what left is good memories only, nothing else.

Because the feeling that ruling her now is GRATITUDE. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger – or in her case, will become great content for her next book (catch the hint! *wink wink).

Almost two years, and it was just about the time that God taught her to be wiser.

Almost two years, she had her time to bring ideas to life. She traveled to places she never stepped her feet on. She got introduced to a lot, a lot of amazing people – who speak the same language: kindness.

For her, that is more than enough.

If she is a glass, she is full.

And she is ready to empty it again.

Learning new lessons.

Meeting new people.

Making new masterpiece.

She would be glad to correct what her friend said about a tree.

As she is now a taller tree, which has stronger roots.

Growth, that’s the big theme for the last two years.

And for her to unlock another prize, sadly she has to say good bye.

Because you know what Paulo Coelho once said, “If you are brave enough to say good bye, life will reward you with a new hello."

My Prayer Has Been Answered

A  couple weeks ago, I changed my afternoon walking route and strolled through an area which I never passed before. Let me tell you this, what I get to love about Sanur is I have never shared it with anyone -- I mean, a guy. I did once had dinner with a date in Sanur (which ended with he left me on the street so I had to take GoJek home), but the beach is all for me and myself (well, for me and some good friends). 

But specifically that day, what I saw amazed me. My favorite part of Sanur used to be in the front of the Hyatt/Pizzeria restaurant because there is a vast clean yellowish sand area, a small part of it covered with shady trees, but as many stray dogs make it as their territory, not too many people like to sit there. I love it, I love dogs anyway, and once in a while I feed them. However, this part close to the Prama and Puri Santrian hotel is a lot wider and quieter. The water is so blue and the wave is so calm..... I have no idea why young foreign tourists or so-called 'digital nomads' don't like Sanur. Man, it's so beautiful, much more than Kuta or *uhuk uhuk* Canggu. As I barely see people there at around 4-6 PM, I would love to lay there and read books, but I don't know why I haven't done it yet...

At that moment, the thought of taking someone special: we will sit side by side, hold each other's hand, talk about our days and stuffs; crossed my mind. Look, I have been single for nine years, and as much as I embrace my singleness, I wouldn't saying that I could pass everyday smoothly. Some days are truly, madly, deeply hard. I am good at keeping the sad news to myself, but when something good happened to me and I have no one to share with (or I have to wait for my friends), I became a bit wrecked. As if I wake up in the morning and listen to Bruno Mars singing "Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now", only I had never shared my bed with anyone. "My heart breaks a little", and the good news is no longer good news anymore. 

...

Earlier this year, I wrote a status on Facebook: 

"Dear God, for this year's birthday may I please have someone to come home to, or someone who will come home to me? 10 October is still 8,5 months away. Thank You."

Some days ago, I got a call from a friend who works in a publisher, and we talked about my new book ideas. She encouraged me to write 'this one' and so, hopefully I will publish at least two nonfiction books next year, and another fiction which is translated into English. I was like...

"Allah, what did I ask you? Why more and more personal project? Excuse me, I prefer a 'collaborative' project, I am sure you know what I mean."

Then this morning I contemplated while doing my morning walk (just me being a normal Prima), tried to evaluate my efforts in acquiring a husband, one by one, what I have done, what I haven't done, what works -- obviously many didn't work...

But I have to start thinking about my new book, so I scrolled TED videos, typed "failure" on the search box (because I am going to write about it), and I stumbled upon this video below:

But then I would find my resolve, and always in the same way, by saying, “I’m not going to quit, I’m going home.” And you have to understand that for me, going home did not mean returning to my family’s farm. For me, going home meant returning to the work of writing because writing was my home, because I loved writing more than I hated failing at writing, which is to say that I loved writing more than I loved my own ego, which is ultimately to say that I loved writing more than I loved myself.

You will think that it's simply a coincidence that Elizabeth Gilbert' home is writing -- just exactly what I feel about writing.  I am nowhere close to Elizabeth, I am a mediocre writer: I have two books which was and will be published by myself, not by a major publishing. The sales of my first book was saddening, it could not even pay those bobas I drank while making the book came true. I am a slow columnist and blogger, I only produce very few pieces in a year. But. I. Have. Never. Stopped. And. Not. Yet. Plan. To. 

My point is that I’m writing another one now, and I’ll write another book after that and another and another and another and many of them will fail, and some of them might succeed, but I will always be safe from the random hurricanes of outcome as long as I never forget where I rightfully live.

So then, I realized that Allah has answered my prayer. 

I have been home all along.

He granted it even before I asked.

And now I am content.  

A Letter to My Daughter (Surat untuk Anakku (4))

Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh,

My dearest daughter who is still in the heaven,

How are things there? 

Everything is much better there than here on Earth, I supposed…

Ibu* knows you must be mad because you have been waiting for my letter (“Ibu, I want ONE letter every two years is that too much to ask for?” — Yes, yes I can hear you would say that), but still I had a wish that I don’t need to write you a letter, so I waited until the last day of August…

…and as I — we — only have four months left in this year, we can be sure that we will not meet this year. 

When someone broke Ibu’ heart early last year, Aunty Kiki wondering, “On your wedding day, I will tell it to your husband’ face: “Where have you been? Prima has been waiting for you along her life.”” But I told her, even myself has no clue who he is, where he is right now, and what he is doing until it takes him so much time to pick me up.

Oh, Allah must have whispered to you his name? Can you whisper it to Ibu as well? I promise we will keep it as our secret until the day is coming. ;)

My lovely daughter, the reason I still wake up in the morning and do the things I am doing…

Two years have passed since my last letter, thus I have sent you three letters, and some days are truly hard. 

Ibu wouldn’t lie that sometimes Ibu feels like we will not meet at all. I know my time is limited to have you. I thought I will have you when I was… 24 years old? And this year I will be 32… but I don’t want to give up. Yet. 

You might see me hitting the rock bottom last year, but eventually I rise up, and you might also see… I turned the table in just five months. 

When the world seems like stopped because of the deadly virus called Corona, Ibu signed deals with some parties for Ibu’ second book; started the writing consultancy services with two clients: an exciting book project about traveling, and one of the Fast Company’ Most Innovative Companies 2020; also planning three social projects; all while maintaining performance at the office. On some nights, Ibu cried because Ibu is so exhausted — but in the next morning, Ibu wakes up too early because Ibu is very excited to start the day. 

Yes, you gotta be ready that you will inherit this endless energy from Ibu. :))

Surat Untuk Mamaku (A Letter For My Mom)

Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh, 

Semoga Mama selalu dalam penjagaan Allah. 

Suatu hari pada tahun 2014, setelah kakak kembali ke rumah selama dua tahun, kakak meledak. Betul kakak mengatakan, “Kakak enggak bahagia sama Mama!” Lalu Mama menampar kakak, dan mendorong kakak ke pintu kamar belakang. Luka fisik, jika ada, dapat disembuhkan dengan mudah. Namun luka batin, tertinggal di sana, menganga semakin dan semakin lebar setiap harinya. 

Momentum itu menjadi titik balik dalam kehidupan kakak, karena kakak bisa menerima ketika Mama memukuli kakak waktu kakak masih kecil (kakak nakal, kakak perlu pelajaran kedisiplinan, baiklah). Tapi ketika kakak sudah merasa cukup umur, dan ternyata perasaan kakak tidak layak untuk dipedulikan, kakak bingung harus berbuat apa. 

Lagi, mengambil jarak dari Mama menjadi solusi "instan". Kakak berpikir, mungkin beberapa tahun ke depan kita berdua akan berubah. Kakak bisa legawa dalam menghadapi Mama, pun sebaliknya. 

Kajian agama, buku-buku tentang hubungan orangtua dan anak ataupun percintaan, konsultasi dengan psikolog maupun psikiater sudah kakak telusuri. Ada satu kesimpulan yang kakak ambil, bahwa barangkali pada tahun 2014 itu, bukannya kakak tidak bahagia sama Mama, tapi kakak tidak bahagia karena merasa tidak mampu membuat mama bahagia. 

Sejak Mama menikah lagi dengan papanya adik dan ditinggalkan, kakak mengamati bahwa ada kekosongan di hati Mama. Dan sebagai seorang anak sulung yang dititipi berkat nama “Maha Pengasih”, tanpa sadar kakak mengambil kebahagiaan mama sebagai misi hidup kakak. Kakak mencerna semua kritik dari Mama, ketidakpuasan Mama terhadap diri kakak — atau bahkan orang lain, sebagai kegagalan kakak pribadi. 

Tahun demi tahun, kakak mencobai berbagai jalan agar Mama merasa lebih bahagia, lebih sehat, lebih peduli terhadap diri sendiri (dan adik)… Mama masih terus membuat keputusan-keputusan tanpa pertimbangan matang dalam menyelesaikan tantangan hidup, yang mana ternyata kebanyakan, bukan pilihan yang lebih mudah. Pun bukan dengan cara yang lebih elegan, terutama jika melihat bagaimana Mama memperlakukan beberapa orang yang telah berupaya membantu Mama. 

Maret lalu, ketika kakak tahu Mama memilih untuk kembali ke rumah PS 2, akhirnya kakak menyerah. Tidak akan ada yang bisa kakak lakukan untuk mengubah situasi. Kakak  telah tiba pada titik terendah perasaan kegagalan membahagiakan Mama. Kakak pasrahkan kepada Allah, karena persoalan ini sudah benar-benar di luar kemampuan kakak.

Kamis, 9 Juli 2020, kakak membaca sebuah kalimat dalam buku, “Pada akhirnya aku yakin, jika aku cukup baik, jika aku cukup mencintainya, jika aku cukup berbuat, aku akan bisa memenangkan hatinya dan dia akan mencintaiku. Rasanya seperti berusaha melelehkan gunung es dengan sebatang lilin.”

5 Things I Have Took for Granted Before Coronavirus (Part 2)

For "5 Things I Have Took for Granted Before Coronavirus (Part 1)", read here.

3. Sex Education

I am sure I am not the only person who browsed, “is it safe to have sex during this Coronavirus times?”’ Hahahahaha. I was there in a restaurant, waiting for my takeaway food while I saw a couple smooched passionately in front of me. It actually made me cautious not only because I have been officially single for nine years (cough cough), but more of... I am not sure if this is the right thing to do in this situation. 

However, as I wrote on my Instagram post, exactly at times like this, we need more love and compassion. Most of us have been in touch with family and friends more frequently than ever, because we want to know how they are doing. ‘Good morning’ and ‘how are you’ are not just for courtesy but we really mean it. Long distance relationship and marriage gets harder yet we believe that we still have a hope. 

For sex, it is a bit different case. If two people do it for pleasure, the Coronavirus bring more consciousness between them because there might be a chance to get infected… and if something worse happened, it could be too late to blame anyone. If two people do it for reproduction, will it be a wise decision as there are too many concerning things ahead? True that we cannot predict the future, but now we know that sex education should taught far more than just vagina and penis. Let’s examine all the consequences, as well as the risks. 

4. Sanitation

Image credit.

Grew up in one of the most humid cities in the world (I am exaggerating here), my frequency of taking shower was simply above normal people. This habit is carried away until now, and recently I smiled a bit when I read the suggestion from government to bath after going somewhere. 

My best friend who has been always bring hand sanitizer and wipes everywhere long before this pandemic, were like, “where have you been, people?” 

For some people, clean flowing water and anti-bacterial soap are common parts of life. Some others have to accept the reddish rusty-smell water because the nearest water source is hidden below the coal mining mountain. I was once experienced it in my dad’s working site in South Kalimantan, which could only be reached by ten hours riding the four-wheel drive car from the closest airport. After eight days there, I became okay to flush my pee with some yellowish muddy water at a transit hotel in the middle of the jungle. So I think you can imagine how I reacted when we arrived at the capital city. I felt like soaking in a bathtub full of dollars like Uncle Scrooge McDuck (or as we Indonesians know as 'Paman Gober). :))

5 Things I Have Took for Granted Before Coronavirus (Part 1)

Image credit.

“But actually, you don’t really get affected by this Coronavirus, right?” 

My writing mentor asked me in a video call on Tuesday evening, as she would give me some suggestions on what to do during this pandemic times. I am thinking for a few seconds, and I nodded in doubt. 

I am currently working as a Personal Assistant. While my boss’ business is basically not operating in this moment (she has some ventures in tourism field), she still asks me to come whenever possible, then we will arrange work matters for 4-5 hours a day. Being a businesswoman for years, she is trying to be in the regular busy state even if our movement is a lot limited these days. 

So why do myself feel like tired all the time, even when my working hours has been cut to almost half - and supposedly allow me to rest more? 

One of the main reasons is, I hate uncertainty.

I hate not knowing what I am facing, yet when I read more about the things that going on, I still hate it because I still don’t know when it will be quit.

When I was on Tinder last year, I was totally fine if I met a jerk. I know for sure things won’t be continued even if it’s just a friendship. However, when I found myself spending time with a “nice” guy who treated me like a princess but then suddenly ghosted me or blocked me, I feel suffocated. 

“What did I do wrong? What should I do to make things get better?”

And I could never find the answer.

When the news about Coronavirus blown up in Indonesia in early March (we are always late, as usual), I was being grumpy for some days. Since February, I have imagined that I will spend Good Friday holiday shopping at Chatuchak Market, cruising on the Chaophraya river, and riding the train for a day trip to Ayutthaya... I have planned the journey as a gift to myself because I have finished my novel draft. But all of the sudden, I decided to not going to the mall again, canceled my gym membership, and ended up crying in a weekend. 

Fast forward to Silence Day which was extended, I prepared myself with pile of books, as well as loads of snacks and fruits. It was my first time celebrating Silence Day in Bali, and  despite the fact that I was indeed amazed by the sky full of bright stars (my friend captured the milky way as you can see here), I couldn’t even brace myself to stay in a hotel where there are too many people I don’t know.

And after two days completely not going anywhere, I was glad that I still sane. 

“Prima, it was just two days! We’ve been in lockdown for more than ten days!”

Relax, my European fellas. I cannot pretend that I know how you feel because I don’t. But, look. Since I decided to write this book in the second week of January, I have been particularly spending almost ninety percent of my spare time in my room. I have been so fed up with my day pyjamas and my home-working space, I even hate seeing my pantry until I bought some lavenders in the pot to spice it up a bit. It doesn’t work, the lavenders is now crawling to death as it complies my mental breakdown.

Only on one of those days (we start to forget the days and dates I assume), when I tried to water my lavenders at my room terrace, I finally realised that there are some things I took for granted during the normal days. Correction, so many! And among those many, I chose five that, for me, most essentials. Let’s see if we have same thoughts about these things below:

2019 Year in Review: It’s The Climb

One of my best friends is a super strong woman (and right now when I am writing this, I realized that I am surrounded by a lot of powerful women). I can count by one hand how many times she shared her sadness or any life challenges she faces on social media. She always looks “happy”, although I am sure deep down inside she is crushed. 

I, actually wanted to learn from her. 

But I cannot. 

I always believe that I write to share. I hope my writings make someone who might be far away from me, can realize that he/she is not alone. His/her feelings are valid, and although the world seems against him/her, there is still a hope.

However, this year is one of the shittiest years in my life, like ever. One day I feel like I am the poorest human in the world – like literally. One day I feel like I lost everything in life, even my dignity. This year I had so many suicidal thoughts because I am afraid of what will come next, and I know that I didn’t take care of myself well. I seek pleasure in places or things I’ve never imagined myself will involve to. I ran far away from God because I was disappointed often. I just don’t know who I was anymore. 

But this post is not about that. This post is about me, trying to rise up from the underground. This post is about me, even when it’s really really hard, trying to see the positive side of life; or simply what kind of lessons I have learned throughout the year. For once, as I also don’t want to go back and reminisce all those stupidities that I have done, I will try to write my Year in Review in a different way. I have set the intention to write this post as a way to be grateful for every little thing that has happened. I hope it will help me to start the new year with a lot more positive thoughts, and so let’s start from the biggest event of this year… 

Toxic

“…sometimes you’re the one something it’s happening to and other times you’re the one it’s happening through.” – Maryam Hasnaa

One of these days, I checked my old diaries and blog posts, then I realized that my biggest achievement is not chosen as one of the finalists of World Muslimah Award; obtained scholarship from SYLFF for my Master Degree; contributed in a world-class literature festival; self-published a book; or maintained an Instagram account from zero to 1,000 followers. 

My biggest achievement is… to stay alive. 

I know it sounds shallow at one point, as I do believe that every single person in this planet has his/her own problem. But often, right at the time it came to you like a storm, you just… tired of life. 

This year is another year that I have to keep telling myself that everything is going to be okay. If it is not happening today, it will happen tomorrow. But ‘that’ tomorrow is not coming (yet), even when there are only four months left in 2019. 

I became paranoid, as if life wouldn’t let me smiling all day long. If I start a day smiling, there will be something occurred in the afternoon or right before I sleep. If I sleep smiling, I will have a nightmare. Life has crushed me like an avocado in a juicer. Shapeless, almost heartless.

Day by day, I started feeling numb. I act recklessly, because I think at the end of the day nobody is safe enough from anything bad. I wish I could say that I still believe in karma, but I know karma doesn’t always work the way we want to.  

I smiled, I laughed, I frowned, I cried… but deep in my heart I know those emotions are not make sense. I was happy for the ‘wrong’ reasons, and I was sad for the ‘right’ reasons. From time to time, I feel like my soul is leaving my body and I am watching it from afar, make fun of things I do. ‘Look, she is doing something stupid again. What a naïve girl!’ Thereafter a new day arrived, and I wait what kind of stupidity or craziness I will do (or repeat). 

And I feel like I lost the last pieces of me, the one that usually I count on to – it just simply torn apart.

I am damaged.

I am useless.

My motivation just evaporated among the people I met and the privilege they have and their success stories and how life seems very easy for them and how life seems very very very difficult for me. Period. No matter how many times I try to pick myself up, I ended up believing that… 

I must be the unluckiest person in the world. 

Only when I am sober enough, I can recollect the puzzles and I became aware that sometimes it is not just about myself. As the quote above said, life has been taught me so much I become confused on which one is the lesson I have to absorb on my own and which one is not actually for me – but for people around me.

What happened for the last two weeks is definitely another new beginning for me. At first, it seems like there is no solutions so I intensified the frequency of talking to myself. What do I want? What do I don’t want? Revealing the problems to my friends were also challenging and I pick them carefully because I need someone who knows the background of the story. 

So I said to my best friends, I am not going back to Surabaya. After leaving the city in the end of 2014, I have sworn to never look back. There is no way that I would coming back to that kind of life. I deserve to [not only be happier] but also accepting the consequences of my choice. And, I wouldn’t let this toxic person who has suppressed me for more than 23 years – to take an ‘advantage’ of getting my help again and again. It is not a revenge, it is self-love, a thing that I have been learning laboriously and costed me a lifetime. I wouldn’t harm my future by going down that road again, the one that worth my sanity. 

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, next month, or next year – but I know one thing for sure, to live with her under the same roof – again – will demolish what I am trying to build. And I know I don’t want to risk – even the hard life I am having which is for me, is still good enough than what she can offer. Worse, both of us know she doesn’t have anything to offer.

I have been always trying so hard – or maybe too hard – to be a good daughter for her. And all of my unanswerable questions to her returning to me, pinching me all over my body, and confiscating my mental health. I should have let her go years ago. 

And I am finally doing it today. 

Good bye,

Dita

Ubud 101: Panduan Wisata Ubud Paling Lengkap (Bagian 2) – Makanan Halal, Penginapan Hemat, dan Transportasi

Baca dulu: Ubud 101: Panduan Wisata Ubud Paling Lengkap (Bagian 1) – Aktivitas dan Spot Foto Paling Kece

Kembali lagi dalam ulasan wisata Ubud bersama saya yang sudah tinggal di Ubud selama setahun tapi merasa masih belum kenal-kenal amat sama daerah ini, hehehe. As I wrote this blog post, I asked around to my expat colleagues because I believe they also have their own ‘unique’ experiences with Ubud. One office mate said that Ubud is about food and café, like it’s one of the best place to do café-hopping in Bali or even if you want to try local culinary (with ‘bule’-kind of style restaurant [and of course the price]). Another said that Ubud is about nice accommodation where you don’t feel like you want to be out all day long because just like I wrote in the first part, there isn’t much things to do/see in Ubud. Cocok banget sama bahasan bagian kali ini, karena saya akan mengulik wisata Ubud dari sisi makanan halal dan akomodasi murah di Ubud (serta hal-hal lain juga).

Pilihan Makanan Halal di Ubud

Image credit: @stasiadelimarta (kiri), @nomadlife.io (kanan)

Tenang Pemirsa, makanan halal mudah sekali ditemukan di Ubud. Kalau mau murah meriah layaknya di Jawa, bisa mengunjungi Sayan Night Market. Tapi kalau mau yang penting halal dengan harga lumayan ‘normal’ seperti 25,000-30,000 IDR per porsi, berikut beberapa favorit saya:

• Warung Barokah Surabaya “Pak Kumis” dekat Patung Arjuna Peliatan, pastikan kamu tanya harga makanannya terlebih dahulu – penjualnya kerap memberikan harga ‘suka-suka’.
• Warung Ijo dekat Pasar Ubud, tapi saya terakhir ke sini tahun 2017, haha. Menunya lebih ke masakan warteg dengan berbagai sayur dan lauk (tapi enak kok).
• Warung Borneo “8” dekat Kantor Pos Ubud, favorit saya: all thing kwetiau dan sapo tahu.
• Ayam Goreng Asli Prambanan, tapi saya lebih suka ayam bakar terus minta kremes yang banyak.
• Warung Igelanca, saya cuma sekali ke sini karena menurut saya taste masakan Warung Borneo “8” lebih enak.
• Bakmie Arga di Peliatan: ‘pelipur lara’ kalau saya lagi pengin yamin atau mie ayam yang insyaAllah halal.
• Tips tambahan: kalau mau cari makanan yang beneran murah, lebih baik ke arah Peliatan atau Desa MAS. Di sini banyak orang Jawa yang buka warung kaki lima, rumah makan Padang, ada juga Mie Aceh yang enak banget (di Jl. Raya Teges dekat SPBU dan Warung D’Ubud, tapi hanya buka pada malam hari).

Mau lunch atau dinner dengan budget ‘menengah’, yang bisa saya rekomendasikan:

• Bali Buda, ada label halal dan menunya banyak – dijamin bingung memilih, favorit saya: Chicken Curry Pita.
• Halal Ubud Burger, tapi jujur saya kurang suka karena ‘patty’-nya agak kering.

Teman kantor kerap merekomendasikan Bubur Bali yang bisa dibeli di Pasar Ubud pada pagi hari, yang mana saya baru pernah mencoba satu kali saja. Terus sekarang saya bingung gimana mendeskripsikan buburnya, hihihi. Well, silakan cari sendiri ya.

Selebihnya, untuk makanan halal di Ubud kamu bisa pesan menu vegetarian atau vegan di berbagai restoran, dari mulai Alchemy, Clear Cafe, Warung Semesta, Sari Organik, Roti Daal, dan sebagainya (dengan harga mulai dari 75,000IDR per orang). Intinya jangan takut kelaparan atau jatuh miskin untuk keperluan logistik (perut) di Ubud, there are hundreds of choices!

Notes: kebanyakan tempat makan di Ubud tutup pukul 21.30-22.30WITA (termasuk berbagai coffee shop), jadi usahakan kamu makan malam lebih awal kalau mau nongkrong agak lama. Saya sering banget ‘diusir’ dari restoran karena mereka mau tutup dan saya + teman-teman masih keasyikan ngobrol. :))