Why We Argue?

Disclaimer: I write this solely to remind myself, to be more humble, to listen more to the people whom I care about, so that I don’t hurt them.

Ever since I had this blog, I have received a lot of comments, feedback, as well as critics. No matter how hard I try to be sincere and honest, somehow I still got ‘attacked’ for writing my OWN personal opinion, feeling, or experience. This is tough as my main purpose to write is to share some lessons to be learned, more often for myself.

As a communication graduate student, sometimes I feel like I failed everytime it happens. Why should I learn how to communicate until graduate school, if I keep making miscommunication with people surround me? Especially, people whom I love and care about.

The first principle of communication that I learned was to make recipient interpret the message as the communicator said. When I talk to you, do you get the same meaning as I do? If yes, that’s good. If no, we should work on it.

However, the more I learn communication,  the more I understand that this kind of situation is rarely achieved. It is happened in persuasive communication, when sellers sell something and the customers buy, or when you believe that Mario Teguh said the exact right thing despite what he has done. But after all, what if all communication is meant  to be persuasive?

Then, my mind wandering to the times when I was in high school and joined debate club. I really love that times! I really love arguing! I asked ‘why’ to every little things, and sometimes it becomes annoying to my mom or my friends. But my debate instructor and teammates thought it was great. We seeked the meaning of something and we tried to defend it. Only years after I left the debate stages, I found some deeper reasons why we – sometimes – have to argue.

It started with one thing: that we ARE different.
Me, my mom, my dad, my sisters, my brother, my ex-boyfriend(s), my boss(es). Everyone has different mind about many things. Even when you have twin, both of you can be just as different as you and your neighbors. We supposed to comprehend about this, so that we can think and feel what we want to say, right before we say it.

Second: argument is basically not bad, as it gives us the whole perspective about something.
We can’t be right about EVERYTHING. Sometimes we know a thing better than somebody else, sometimes we are just clueless like somebody else. We need to argue so that we know that there are some other things outside our narrow mind. Why I say ‘narrow’? As I said, our knowledge is limited, and like it or not, I think it is made on purpose by God so that we need other people to help us gaining our knowledge. All those years of debating, I learn to listen and accept that I might be wrong about something. I was taught to open my mouth only if I know the senses, or have prepared the logic behind my opinion. If my lines aren’t strong, I will be lose.

Third: most likely, we debate because we care about others’ opinion.
I personally think that if I care about somebody, I want to know his/her thought. I want him/her to open his feeling towards me. If I don’t care, I can just walk away and go. But I want to understand you, that’s why I debated you.
You may agree or disagree. There are some people who thinks like this “if you trust me, you won’t questioning me.” But after all, if you trust me, you will appreciate that I have mind and feeling. I am not a dead body. Although I do believe that there are some things that meant to be solved by one person and this person needs trust from everybody. Such as, when you are in a ship, you have to fully trust the helmsman, right. 

As I grow older and getting more subjects in communication, I learned a new thing: that communication meant to be the bridge for the differences. My favorite subject is intercultural communication and it’s a challenging subject, even for me who have friends from all over the world (cieh). And in this subject, the main principle is: never assume. As something that happened in your position, might be applied differently in other parts of the world. It’s not bad or good, it’s just some differences we have to embrace.

So, what’s the relation between all of this lecture and why do I have to write this in very early morning? Because now I have to apprehend that how hard I try to be right, there will be someone out there stands on different point of view. I know it is real, but for now, it is getting more real. Sometimes it is scary, but I have to defend my right to speak and to be heard. Or sometimes it is because the relationship is really meaningful, and I want to do my best to keep it on track.

Lots of love,
Prima

I Know That We are Different, That's Why We are Actually Same

Perkenalan pertama saya dengan perbedaan adalah ketika saya duduk di bangku TK. Suatu waktu, saya ikut mama saya ke rumah koleganya yang sedang merayakan natal. Sebenarnya kami tidak kesana untuk ikut perayaan natal, tapi tak ayal saya ikut mendapatkan hadiah: boneka Minnie Mouse dengan kostum natal lengkap dengan bando tanduk rusa. Dimana ya, boneka itu sekarang? Pulangnya saya bertanya kepada mama tentang perayaan natal. Rasa penasaran itu lebih didasari keinginan untuk memiliki my own christmas tree. Saya lupa jawaban mama waktu itu, I might be too little to understand and forget it fast. 

Selang beberapa waktu, saya berkenalan dengan anak dari teman ayah saya. Kalau tidak salah namanya Kristin. She was my only friend when I visit my dad in Banjarmasin, so sometimes I stay at her house. Setelah beberapa kali, saya baru sadar bahwa keluarganya menyediakan makanan yang berbeda untuk saya dan Kristin. Ibunya juga kerap membangunkan saya untuk sholat subuh, namun mereka tidak melakukannya. 

Kemudian saya masuk ke sekolah Islam dan ‘tiba-tiba’ saja semua terasa seragam. Selama tahun-tahun itu, saya jarang sekali melihat perbedaan. Secara saya sekolah full day dari jam tujuh pagi hingga jam empat sore, dan sabtu ada kegiatan ekstrakurikuler, saya pikir waktu itu semua orang sama. Selain itu saya juga berpikir kalau Islam itu satu, ya Islam.

Baru ketika saya menginjakkan kaki di bangku SMP, saya mengenal Muhammadiyah dan NU. Lucu juga karena ada teman yang SD-nya di sekolah NU terus masuk SMP dan SMA Muhammadiyah. Dasarnya memang saya kritis, saya bertanya kepada mama apa bedanya Muhammadiyah dan NU. Apakah ada gerakan Islam yang lain, dan sebagainya. Oya, di sekolah juga diajarkan kok sejarah pergerakan Muhammadiyah so I was quite aware at that time, but don’t ask me now ‘cause I already forget it. Nonton film Sang Pencerah aja deh #lah

Pada penghujung SMP, saya mengikuti World Scout Jamboree di Thailand and it was my first interaction with the world. Saya akhirnya melihat sendiri perbedaan warna kulit, bahasa, adat-istiadat, dan sebagainya. Bukannya saya tidak tahu kalau Indonesia juga terdiri dari 17,000 pulau endebre endebre, tapi kalau begitu berada di situasi internasional kan beda gitu lhoh. Yang membuat saya syok saat itu bukan hanya problematika antar budaya dimana beda negara beda gaya penyelesaian konfliknya, tapi pada malam terakhir jambore, saya mendapat hadiah tak terlupakan dari seorang teman laki-laki berkebangsaan Inggris: a hug. Oh my God, I feel like I was a sinner.

Sejak saat itu, saya banyak mendapatkan pengalaman dengan berbagai orang dari latar belakang yang berbeda-beda, and somehow that what inspired me making #differentisbeautiful label last year. Teman-teman yang paling dekat dengan saya saat ini bukan hanya yang islamnya serius banget, tapi banyak juga yang beragam keyakinannya dan tentu saja sudut pandangnya. 

Then why I think it is important to be discussed now? Karena kemarin saya baru menceramahi adik saya panjang lebar tentang indahnya perbedaan. Ceritanya adik saya ini kan lulusan pondok pesantren, terus waktu registrasi di kampus ketahuan sedikit berdebat tentang madzhab-madzhab gitu. Apalah saya ini pengetahuannya cetek sekali masalah begituan, tapi saya suruh dia duduk dan dengar penjelasan saya. Saya kesal kalau dia harus membuat perpecahan hanya karena masalah begitu doang, sementara kita ini hidup di negara yang majemuk dan saling membutuhkan satu sama lain.

Saya katakan kepadanya bahwa selama ini saya mampu mempertahankan persahabatan saya dengan mereka yang kristen, katolik, tak beragama, orang Korea, orang Inggris, orang Kamerun, orang India, orang Iran, dan seterusnya bukan dengan cara menyatakan perbedaan. I realize that we are different so then why we should sweat about it? Sekarang tujuan kita bersahabat, bekerjasama, berkolaborasi itu apa? Cari saja persamaan dari kita and we can work together. 

Saya hanya dapat mengandalkan hidayah dari Allah agar tidak tergerus pergaulan, tapi bahkan saya pun percaya dakwah itu bukannya yang memberikan garis pembatas antara saya dan kamu. Saya yang berhijab dan kamu yang tidak. Saya yang begini dan kamu yang begitu. Justru dakwah itu menengahi, membuat nyaman, mengizinkan mereka bertanya, dan memberikan suri teladan. Masalah hasil akhir itu kembali lagi ke hidayah dari Allah. 

Ekstrimnya saya sampai bilang ke adik saya, you can’t get married if you keep looking for differences. Lah gimana anak kembar yang sejak lahir udah kemana-mana bareng saja masih bisa berbeda, apalagi pasangan yang dibesarkan dengan pola asuh yang berbeda.

Saya jadi ingat Communication Accommodation Theory yang menyatakan, "When people interact they adjust their speech, their vocal patterns and their gestures, to accommodate to others." Teori ini tidak hanya berlaku pada situasi komunikasi antar budaya tapi juga antar pribadi. Misalnya sister ngomong sama adiknya sister yang masih SMP, pasti beda dengan sister ngomong sama orangtua. Why so? Karena sister punya tujuan yang berbeda saat berkomunikasi. Kalau sister ngomong sama adik, kepinginnya kelihatan kalau punya pengetahuan lebih banyak, nah ostomastis suara dan gestur juga berubah.  

Here goes the same way with communicating the differences. If you want the relationship long lasts, you will do ‘convergence’. Menyesuaikan dengan lawan bicara. Sebaliknya, kalau kamu ingin mencapai tujuan pribadi tertentu, kamu akan memperbedakan bagaimana kamu berkomunikasi dengan lawan bicaramu. 

Sooo~ di kehidupan nyata, ada banyak hal yang tidak perlu kamu sikapi dengan ketus dan sinis hanya karena perbedaan. You will soon understand that being majority doesn’t mean you can press others. Menarik melihat perbedaan yang semarak di Indonesia, seperti Gong Xi Fa Cai yang dirayakan sejak zaman Presiden Gus Dur. After all, “It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.” ― Audre Lorde 

Lots of love,
Prima

#differentisbeautiful: 한국 사람 - Hanguk Saram (Korean People)

The best thing comes when you least expect it.

I just had an amazing week with students from Hanseo University who participated in Global Leadership Program. They stayed in my guest house, and somehow being with them reminds me of the quote above. It represents my interaction with Korean people so far. Dealing with Korean has been one of the most challenging yet most fulfilling intercultural relationship. I have met football players, businessmen, students; and meeting them for the first time is always like receiving a black box – you don’t know what kind of surprise that you can get.

Back in 2011, when I meet Coach Timo Scheunemann of Persema Malang for proposing my minor thesis, he gives me full access with one requirement: I have to assist the new Korean football player in adapting with Indonesian culture. As much as I want to hold myself back, I talked to my friend about the possibility of getting a sharp A if everything going well. So I hopped on the board. And that was how the story goes.

But my excitement has to be torn off by my first meeting with the player. Night before, I learn a few Korean sentences and read all news about him (#kepo detected). At the morning, when I just spill out ‘shigani isseoyo’ (do you have some time), he shooed me. I was so shocked as other informants were welcomed me.

I came back to the coach and I said that no matter how hard I will try, I can’t overcome this because I can’t speak Korean. Luckily, the coach who is also a teacher of an international high school appointed some of his Korean students to help me. As they are helping me communicate with the player, my impression about Korean slowly changing.

However, there was still a lot of misunderstanding between us – especially because I couldn’t always count on the interpreters. It made me so nervous; I remember I often crying at the downstairs before going up to see him. After couple weeks, I couldn’t help it and I wanted to give up. I called my mom, and she said, “Dear, imagine if you were him. Being totally stranger in a country he never visit before; no friend, no family. It must be stressful. Don’t just thinking to finish your assignment; try to be someone who helps him in accepting these new things.”

So then I change my approach. I agreed when he ask me to learn Korean. At my first day in the Korean course, I was embarrassed because I don’t know any Korean boyband or drama. No, I never watch Winter Sonata and didn’t know how famous Nami Island was. When I finish the class that day, I ask my friend who happens to be a K-pop hardcore fans to explain the hallyu wave. I watched Family Outing, Cinderella's Sister and Pasta (although I can only survive for three episodes and not continuing it).

At one of the critical point where I want to know more about Korean culture, God send me an angel named Sthefany Eonni who found me on Twitter accidentally. I once blabbed about how dealing with Korean is a very new thing for me; she replied on my tweet and tells me her story with his Korean husband. It couldn’t be more perfect as she lives in my hometown! She even helped sending samgyeobsal for the Korean football player. Things getting much better from then, fiuh.

After my relationship with him improved, he introduced me to the fellow Korean football players. For some months after, I attended a lot of football matches because they give me free tickets, hahaha. My weekend was filled by supporting them. But as soon as I graduated and start working; one by one is leaving Indonesia.

Surely, it’s not always this hard in dealing with Korean people. When I become the host parent (although I’m not a parent…yet) for a Vietnamese student in an AIESEC project, I also make friend with one of the sweetest woman in the world, her name is Sunhyung Eonni. I once wrote on my old blog that she is the sunshine among us. She is very cute and she taught me to be more positive in life. 

Sunhyung Eonni - me - and Nhung (the Vietnamese student).

In 2,5 years of working, I got only one Korean client, and they are the most polite clients I ever interact with. But they are American-Korean, so I don’t know if it can be counted :p

Reflecting my experience with Korean people, it might be an important lesson that I wasn’t prepared enough. I was too confident with myself, but lucky me I have second chance to fix it. I also didn’t treat the football player the way he wants to be treated. Now I think I might be the one who scared him and bothered him at that time.

It is always exciting to jump in the intercultural situation, but between me and Korean – it is just...different. Never in my life have I thought of learning Korean language or going to Korea – and now it’s totally transformed. I even watched Big Bang concert! Such a very big leap, isn’t it?

So, if you are about to enter a new intercultural encounter, you might want to prepare something. But even though you’re not, there is no best teacher as experience. Just remember to always be kind in every situation – put yourself in their shoes and don’t just think of accomplishing your personal goal. And don’t forget to smile; because you know what they said, it’s a universal language that should warm everybody’s heart.

Have a good day!

Lots of love,
Prima

#differentisbeautiful: Opening

And of His signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth and the diversity of your languages and your colors. Indeed in that are signs for those of knowledge. (Q.S.Ar-Ruum (30): 22)

O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted. (Q.S.Al-Hujuraat (49): 13)

Perhaps some of you remember Addy, the girl who interested in Islam, the one behind some of my English posts, such as this one. Some days ago, she sent me email again, letting me know that she converted to Islam around October last year. Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar! I am more than happy to call her my sister now, and for my readers, I hope you can take a minute to read Al-Fatihah for Allah strengthen her faith (and also for us!) until we die in khusnul khotimah, amiiin.

I am not gonna tell you about her stories, as she will tell you herself, hopefully very soon. But some of our conversations make me realize how ignorant a person can be, towards something that comes outside his/her world. The closest example might be me, I am basically Javanese and I don't really care about what happens outside Java island. I rarely think about Papua, Kalimantan, and others. I do pay attention for the global news, but to say I understand what is happening with hunger in Africa, I'll keep silent.

For some people, this ignorance will grow to be stereotype. In Indonesia generally, we accept the idea that people from Surabaya and Batak always talk in loud voice. Sundanese likes getting married. And so on. There are many bad guys from Java, as well as from Sumatera, Kalimantan, and other ethnic background. So it doesn't mean that we are simply better than others. But we are not aware of this and putting stereotype to people who is different than us.

Back to Addy, she tells me a lot about how Americans look down to a Muslim, and it does hurt me. It's a public secret that Muslim globally related with terrorism, and we all know that it's not true. So many international Muslim public figures who have done great things. Find some of them in The Muslim 500. Besides them, I do believe many Muslims are fighting to not only exposing good image of Islam; but it's what they do for life – and for years. They ARE good people, who sometimes might be covered by the shadow of global news about terrorism.

However, I do understand that it probably because intercultural/interfaith friendship are not really promoted in our daily life. It still feels weird to see a person going out with somebody who has different appearance. For example, people might look at me when I have lunch with my office mates because mostly they are Chinese descent – and sometimes the girls wear short-sleeve shirt. It is funny thing because we can't expect a peace world if every person just make friends with people who has similarity. You can't do that! You even have different point of views with your parent or siblings, so why can't we accept the differences from other people as well?

That's why, I will create a brand new project called #differentisbeautiful. I will tell you the stories of my friendship with people from different religion, ethnic background, etc. I hope by writing these, you will find out that, the more different we can be, the more similarity we probably have. Like me and my Vietnamese friends, Nhung; we love traveling, good food, and cute boys. Lol.

My first #differentisbeautiful post will be around mid next week. Once I started this, I hope you will also join me spreading the word that we, love differences as it makes the world more colorful and more vibrant. You can plan it from now! ;)

Lots of love,
Prima