A Letter to My Daughter (Surat untuk Anakku (4))

Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh,

My dearest daughter who is still in the heaven,

How are things there? 

Everything is much better there than here on Earth, I supposed…

Ibu* knows you must be mad because you have been waiting for my letter (“Ibu, I want ONE letter every two years is that too much to ask for?” — Yes, yes I can hear you would say that), but still I had a wish that I don’t need to write you a letter, so I waited until the last day of August…

…and as I — we — only have four months left in this year, we can be sure that we will not meet this year. 

When someone broke Ibu’ heart early last year, Aunty Kiki wondering, “On your wedding day, I will tell it to your husband’ face: “Where have you been? Prima has been waiting for you along her life.”” But I told her, even myself has no clue who he is, where he is right now, and what he is doing until it takes him so much time to pick me up.

Oh, Allah must have whispered to you his name? Can you whisper it to Ibu as well? I promise we will keep it as our secret until the day is coming. ;)

My lovely daughter, the reason I still wake up in the morning and do the things I am doing…

Two years have passed since my last letter, thus I have sent you three letters, and some days are truly hard. 

Ibu wouldn’t lie that sometimes Ibu feels like we will not meet at all. I know my time is limited to have you. I thought I will have you when I was… 24 years old? And this year I will be 32… but I don’t want to give up. Yet. 

You might see me hitting the rock bottom last year, but eventually I rise up, and you might also see… I turned the table in just five months. 

When the world seems like stopped because of the deadly virus called Corona, Ibu signed deals with some parties for Ibu’ second book; started the writing consultancy services with two clients: an exciting book project about traveling, and one of the Fast Company’ Most Innovative Companies 2020; also planning three social projects; all while maintaining performance at the office. On some nights, Ibu cried because Ibu is so exhausted — but in the next morning, Ibu wakes up too early because Ibu is very excited to start the day. 

Yes, you gotta be ready that you will inherit this endless energy from Ibu. :))

Surat Untuk Mamaku (A Letter For My Mom)

Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh, 

Semoga Mama selalu dalam penjagaan Allah. 

Suatu hari pada tahun 2014, setelah kakak kembali ke rumah selama dua tahun, kakak meledak. Betul kakak mengatakan, “Kakak enggak bahagia sama Mama!” Lalu Mama menampar kakak, dan mendorong kakak ke pintu kamar belakang. Luka fisik, jika ada, dapat disembuhkan dengan mudah. Namun luka batin, tertinggal di sana, menganga semakin dan semakin lebar setiap harinya. 

Momentum itu menjadi titik balik dalam kehidupan kakak, karena kakak bisa menerima ketika Mama memukuli kakak waktu kakak masih kecil (kakak nakal, kakak perlu pelajaran kedisiplinan, baiklah). Tapi ketika kakak sudah merasa cukup umur, dan ternyata perasaan kakak tidak layak untuk dipedulikan, kakak bingung harus berbuat apa. 

Lagi, mengambil jarak dari Mama menjadi solusi "instan". Kakak berpikir, mungkin beberapa tahun ke depan kita berdua akan berubah. Kakak bisa legawa dalam menghadapi Mama, pun sebaliknya. 

Kajian agama, buku-buku tentang hubungan orangtua dan anak ataupun percintaan, konsultasi dengan psikolog maupun psikiater sudah kakak telusuri. Ada satu kesimpulan yang kakak ambil, bahwa barangkali pada tahun 2014 itu, bukannya kakak tidak bahagia sama Mama, tapi kakak tidak bahagia karena merasa tidak mampu membuat mama bahagia. 

Sejak Mama menikah lagi dengan papanya adik dan ditinggalkan, kakak mengamati bahwa ada kekosongan di hati Mama. Dan sebagai seorang anak sulung yang dititipi berkat nama “Maha Pengasih”, tanpa sadar kakak mengambil kebahagiaan mama sebagai misi hidup kakak. Kakak mencerna semua kritik dari Mama, ketidakpuasan Mama terhadap diri kakak — atau bahkan orang lain, sebagai kegagalan kakak pribadi. 

Tahun demi tahun, kakak mencobai berbagai jalan agar Mama merasa lebih bahagia, lebih sehat, lebih peduli terhadap diri sendiri (dan adik)… Mama masih terus membuat keputusan-keputusan tanpa pertimbangan matang dalam menyelesaikan tantangan hidup, yang mana ternyata kebanyakan, bukan pilihan yang lebih mudah. Pun bukan dengan cara yang lebih elegan, terutama jika melihat bagaimana Mama memperlakukan beberapa orang yang telah berupaya membantu Mama. 

Maret lalu, ketika kakak tahu Mama memilih untuk kembali ke rumah PS 2, akhirnya kakak menyerah. Tidak akan ada yang bisa kakak lakukan untuk mengubah situasi. Kakak  telah tiba pada titik terendah perasaan kegagalan membahagiakan Mama. Kakak pasrahkan kepada Allah, karena persoalan ini sudah benar-benar di luar kemampuan kakak.

Kamis, 9 Juli 2020, kakak membaca sebuah kalimat dalam buku, “Pada akhirnya aku yakin, jika aku cukup baik, jika aku cukup mencintainya, jika aku cukup berbuat, aku akan bisa memenangkan hatinya dan dia akan mencintaiku. Rasanya seperti berusaha melelehkan gunung es dengan sebatang lilin.”

5 Things I Have Took for Granted Before Coronavirus (Part 2)

For "5 Things I Have Took for Granted Before Coronavirus (Part 1)", read here.

3. Sex Education

I am sure I am not the only person who browsed, “is it safe to have sex during this Coronavirus times?”’ Hahahahaha. I was there in a restaurant, waiting for my takeaway food while I saw a couple smooched passionately in front of me. It actually made me cautious not only because I have been officially single for nine years (cough cough), but more of... I am not sure if this is the right thing to do in this situation. 

However, as I wrote on my Instagram post, exactly at times like this, we need more love and compassion. Most of us have been in touch with family and friends more frequently than ever, because we want to know how they are doing. ‘Good morning’ and ‘how are you’ are not just for courtesy but we really mean it. Long distance relationship and marriage gets harder yet we believe that we still have a hope. 

For sex, it is a bit different case. If two people do it for pleasure, the Coronavirus bring more consciousness between them because there might be a chance to get infected… and if something worse happened, it could be too late to blame anyone. If two people do it for reproduction, will it be a wise decision as there are too many concerning things ahead? True that we cannot predict the future, but now we know that sex education should taught far more than just vagina and penis. Let’s examine all the consequences, as well as the risks. 

4. Sanitation

Image credit.

Grew up in one of the most humid cities in the world (I am exaggerating here), my frequency of taking shower was simply above normal people. This habit is carried away until now, and recently I smiled a bit when I read the suggestion from government to bath after going somewhere. 

My best friend who has been always bring hand sanitizer and wipes everywhere long before this pandemic, were like, “where have you been, people?” 

For some people, clean flowing water and anti-bacterial soap are common parts of life. Some others have to accept the reddish rusty-smell water because the nearest water source is hidden below the coal mining mountain. I was once experienced it in my dad’s working site in South Kalimantan, which could only be reached by ten hours riding the four-wheel drive car from the closest airport. After eight days there, I became okay to flush my pee with some yellowish muddy water at a transit hotel in the middle of the jungle. So I think you can imagine how I reacted when we arrived at the capital city. I felt like soaking in a bathtub full of dollars like Uncle Scrooge McDuck (or as we Indonesians know as 'Paman Gober). :))