2019 Year in Review: It’s The Climb

One of my best friends is a super strong woman (and right now when I am writing this, I realized that I am surrounded by a lot of powerful women). I can count by one hand how many times she shared her sadness or any life challenges she faces on social media. She always looks “happy”, although I am sure deep down inside she is crushed. 

I, actually wanted to learn from her. 

But I cannot. 

I always believe that I write to share. I hope my writings make someone who might be far away from me, can realize that he/she is not alone. His/her feelings are valid, and although the world seems against him/her, there is still a hope.

However, this year is one of the shittiest years in my life, like ever. One day I feel like I am the poorest human in the world – like literally. One day I feel like I lost everything in life, even my dignity. This year I had so many suicidal thoughts because I am afraid of what will come next, and I know that I didn’t take care of myself well. I seek pleasure in places or things I’ve never imagined myself will involve to. I ran far away from God because I was disappointed often. I just don’t know who I was anymore. 

But this post is not about that. This post is about me, trying to rise up from the underground. This post is about me, even when it’s really really hard, trying to see the positive side of life; or simply what kind of lessons I have learned throughout the year. For once, as I also don’t want to go back and reminisce all those stupidities that I have done, I will try to write my Year in Review in a different way. I have set the intention to write this post as a way to be grateful for every little thing that has happened. I hope it will help me to start the new year with a lot more positive thoughts, and so let’s start from the biggest event of this year… 

Toxic

“…sometimes you’re the one something it’s happening to and other times you’re the one it’s happening through.” – Maryam Hasnaa

One of these days, I checked my old diaries and blog posts, then I realized that my biggest achievement is not chosen as one of the finalists of World Muslimah Award; obtained scholarship from SYLFF for my Master Degree; contributed in a world-class literature festival; self-published a book; or maintained an Instagram account from zero to 1,000 followers. 

My biggest achievement is… to stay alive. 

I know it sounds shallow at one point, as I do believe that every single person in this planet has his/her own problem. But often, right at the time it came to you like a storm, you just… tired of life. 

This year is another year that I have to keep telling myself that everything is going to be okay. If it is not happening today, it will happen tomorrow. But ‘that’ tomorrow is not coming (yet), even when there are only four months left in 2019. 

I became paranoid, as if life wouldn’t let me smiling all day long. If I start a day smiling, there will be something occurred in the afternoon or right before I sleep. If I sleep smiling, I will have a nightmare. Life has crushed me like an avocado in a juicer. Shapeless, almost heartless.

Day by day, I started feeling numb. I act recklessly, because I think at the end of the day nobody is safe enough from anything bad. I wish I could say that I still believe in karma, but I know karma doesn’t always work the way we want to.  

I smiled, I laughed, I frowned, I cried… but deep in my heart I know those emotions are not make sense. I was happy for the ‘wrong’ reasons, and I was sad for the ‘right’ reasons. From time to time, I feel like my soul is leaving my body and I am watching it from afar, make fun of things I do. ‘Look, she is doing something stupid again. What a naïve girl!’ Thereafter a new day arrived, and I wait what kind of stupidity or craziness I will do (or repeat). 

And I feel like I lost the last pieces of me, the one that usually I count on to – it just simply torn apart.

I am damaged.

I am useless.

My motivation just evaporated among the people I met and the privilege they have and their success stories and how life seems very easy for them and how life seems very very very difficult for me. Period. No matter how many times I try to pick myself up, I ended up believing that… 

I must be the unluckiest person in the world. 

Only when I am sober enough, I can recollect the puzzles and I became aware that sometimes it is not just about myself. As the quote above said, life has been taught me so much I become confused on which one is the lesson I have to absorb on my own and which one is not actually for me – but for people around me.

What happened for the last two weeks is definitely another new beginning for me. At first, it seems like there is no solutions so I intensified the frequency of talking to myself. What do I want? What do I don’t want? Revealing the problems to my friends were also challenging and I pick them carefully because I need someone who knows the background of the story. 

So I said to my best friends, I am not going back to Surabaya. After leaving the city in the end of 2014, I have sworn to never look back. There is no way that I would coming back to that kind of life. I deserve to [not only be happier] but also accepting the consequences of my choice. And, I wouldn’t let this toxic person who has suppressed me for more than 23 years – to take an ‘advantage’ of getting my help again and again. It is not a revenge, it is self-love, a thing that I have been learning laboriously and costed me a lifetime. I wouldn’t harm my future by going down that road again, the one that worth my sanity. 

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, next month, or next year – but I know one thing for sure, to live with her under the same roof – again – will demolish what I am trying to build. And I know I don’t want to risk – even the hard life I am having which is for me, is still good enough than what she can offer. Worse, both of us know she doesn’t have anything to offer.

I have been always trying so hard – or maybe too hard – to be a good daughter for her. And all of my unanswerable questions to her returning to me, pinching me all over my body, and confiscating my mental health. I should have let her go years ago. 

And I am finally doing it today. 

Good bye,

Dita

Ubud 101: Panduan Wisata Ubud Paling Lengkap (Bagian 2) – Makanan Halal, Penginapan Hemat, dan Transportasi

Baca dulu: Ubud 101: Panduan Wisata Ubud Paling Lengkap (Bagian 1) – Aktivitas dan Spot Foto Paling Kece

Kembali lagi dalam ulasan wisata Ubud bersama saya yang sudah tinggal di Ubud selama setahun tapi merasa masih belum kenal-kenal amat sama daerah ini, hehehe. As I wrote this blog post, I asked around to my expat colleagues because I believe they also have their own ‘unique’ experiences with Ubud. One office mate said that Ubud is about food and café, like it’s one of the best place to do café-hopping in Bali or even if you want to try local culinary (with ‘bule’-kind of style restaurant [and of course the price]). Another said that Ubud is about nice accommodation where you don’t feel like you want to be out all day long because just like I wrote in the first part, there isn’t much things to do/see in Ubud. Cocok banget sama bahasan bagian kali ini, karena saya akan mengulik wisata Ubud dari sisi makanan halal dan akomodasi murah di Ubud (serta hal-hal lain juga).

Pilihan Makanan Halal di Ubud

Image credit: @stasiadelimarta (kiri), @nomadlife.io (kanan)

Tenang Pemirsa, makanan halal mudah sekali ditemukan di Ubud. Kalau mau murah meriah layaknya di Jawa, bisa mengunjungi Sayan Night Market. Tapi kalau mau yang penting halal dengan harga lumayan ‘normal’ seperti 25,000-30,000 IDR per porsi, berikut beberapa favorit saya:

• Warung Barokah Surabaya “Pak Kumis” dekat Patung Arjuna Peliatan, pastikan kamu tanya harga makanannya terlebih dahulu – penjualnya kerap memberikan harga ‘suka-suka’.
• Warung Ijo dekat Pasar Ubud, tapi saya terakhir ke sini tahun 2017, haha. Menunya lebih ke masakan warteg dengan berbagai sayur dan lauk (tapi enak kok).
• Warung Borneo “8” dekat Kantor Pos Ubud, favorit saya: all thing kwetiau dan sapo tahu.
• Ayam Goreng Asli Prambanan, tapi saya lebih suka ayam bakar terus minta kremes yang banyak.
• Warung Igelanca, saya cuma sekali ke sini karena menurut saya taste masakan Warung Borneo “8” lebih enak.
• Bakmie Arga di Peliatan: ‘pelipur lara’ kalau saya lagi pengin yamin atau mie ayam yang insyaAllah halal.
• Tips tambahan: kalau mau cari makanan yang beneran murah, lebih baik ke arah Peliatan atau Desa MAS. Di sini banyak orang Jawa yang buka warung kaki lima, rumah makan Padang, ada juga Mie Aceh yang enak banget (di Jl. Raya Teges dekat SPBU dan Warung D’Ubud, tapi hanya buka pada malam hari).

Mau lunch atau dinner dengan budget ‘menengah’, yang bisa saya rekomendasikan:

• Bali Buda, ada label halal dan menunya banyak – dijamin bingung memilih, favorit saya: Chicken Curry Pita.
• Halal Ubud Burger, tapi jujur saya kurang suka karena ‘patty’-nya agak kering.

Teman kantor kerap merekomendasikan Bubur Bali yang bisa dibeli di Pasar Ubud pada pagi hari, yang mana saya baru pernah mencoba satu kali saja. Terus sekarang saya bingung gimana mendeskripsikan buburnya, hihihi. Well, silakan cari sendiri ya.

Selebihnya, untuk makanan halal di Ubud kamu bisa pesan menu vegetarian atau vegan di berbagai restoran, dari mulai Alchemy, Clear Cafe, Warung Semesta, Sari Organik, Roti Daal, dan sebagainya (dengan harga mulai dari 75,000IDR per orang). Intinya jangan takut kelaparan atau jatuh miskin untuk keperluan logistik (perut) di Ubud, there are hundreds of choices!

Notes: kebanyakan tempat makan di Ubud tutup pukul 21.30-22.30WITA (termasuk berbagai coffee shop), jadi usahakan kamu makan malam lebih awal kalau mau nongkrong agak lama. Saya sering banget ‘diusir’ dari restoran karena mereka mau tutup dan saya + teman-teman masih keasyikan ngobrol. :))