Monday Journal #8

FINALLY, I can reveal the full lineup of Ubud Food Festival KYAAAAA~~~ Check them here: Ubud Food Festival website.

Working for the biggest literature festival in Southeast Asia – and respectively international food festival, let me tell you: it’s just difficult to keep secrets of the speakers, programs, activities, and so on. Often I am too excited when we get signed agreement from them, and all I can do is writing it down in my journal. Because, if I open up – my boss will discontinue my contract (OH NO); and, unfortunately, there will always be a possibility the speaker cancels their presence. That’s why, don’t you ever ask, “Prim, who will show up at UWRF19?” My lips are sealed!!!

Anyway, I am starting this week with exhaustion because last week I entered another phase of my life in Bali. I already have some ngaji students, and I also am engaging with several projects. Then, my mom surprisingly came to Bali on Saturday. Oh, I will share the story a bit later, but perhaps you know that I have stopped talking with her for some weeks now. So, when she attended my ngaji class, I was like… “what?” Qadarullah, some days before, I got a call from a woman who needs a guru ngaji for her sister-in-law who can’t read Alquran at all. As my mom is coming without any plan, I asked her if she wants to teach that person. She is happy doing it, and so we spent the weekend to teach the woman (and I have other students as well). 

In Sunday evening, my mom and I went to my place in Gianyar because she wants to see where I stay. Of course she was also eager to see my office. And that’s how I am so tired at the moment… 

I know some people will judge me, saying how I should be grateful to have my mom still around, alive and healthy. But there are things you don’t know and I am not sure if I can reveal it soon. Whenever I want to share the whole stories, I felt like… “but I don’t need the world to see my pain inside.” Every single day I learn to forgive my mom for what she has done to me. In the other side, I learn to not feeling too guilty for ‘leaving’ her to pursue my dreams. I still have a long long way and I don’t want to feed her ego… Well, every person is tested with different kind of trial, and maybe mine is my mom. Whatever it is, may all those hardships bring us closer to Allah’s blessings, aamiin. 

Love,

Prima       

10 Quran Verses to Relieve Your Broken Heart

He’s not my type of man, at least from his physique. He is handsome and has fit body – two qualities of men which usually make me feel insecure. Ya eyalah, secara muka pas-pasan, pakai baju kadang serampangan, lipstik sering ketinggalan, apalagi bedak – sudah sejak lama terlupakan. Sadar diri ya tho~ But then we exchanged our books, and we talked. If it isn’t obvious by now, I have been always attracted to smart guys and he is one of those guys who can get me like “oh really?” everytime he tells me something new. That time he worked as a political journalist and lecturer, so I got encouraged to read more. He often asking me questions about Islam, and my automatic response be like, “wait, let me browse for a more trustworthy insight”. Sadly, not too long after our introduction, his mom condition got worse. Then I booked the flight ticket to Jakarta in July… without knowing that it was the first and last time I met his mom. That trip made me realized there is something really interesting about him. Soon after I arrived in Bali, he asked me to collaborate for a project. And I was like… “yaaah, ini mah friendzone.” *nangis di pojokan* 

Still, I joined the project because the purpose is good. I also tried to resist my feeling because I am questioning myself. Being with him means accepting his mom as well, and I was doubtful if I could give my best. It was in my nature because I am not even close with my mom. Eventually, I ‘proposed’ him in the end of September because there was one and only thing I chased: the reward from Allah. This, sparked arguments between me and the girl who introduced us. She couldn’t take the idea of me turning down my dreams to accompany him. Well, he rejected my proposal though. I moved forward with my life… until his mom passed away last month. I was sad for not having more opportunities to get to know his mom. That night on the train to Jakarta, I texted my best friend, “what if I cry in front of him?” She said, “don’t! You’ll make him sadder. Give him a lot of smile, I know you can make him happy.” And I was proud of myself to successfully hold my tears for one week. 

However, at one point, I realized I don’t merely like him. I love him because I am happy when he is happy, and I want the best for him. His corny jokes made me giggling, and being away from him tortured me. I know we haven’t done a lot of stuffs together but even if we have limited chances, it’s always high-quality time (I liked it the most when we went to the mosques). And I think that he is grateful to have me around…

…or at least that’s what I believed in. 

Monday Journal #7

Hari Senin dan Kamis minggu lalu, saya mencoba untuk puasa sunah. Tujuannya supaya kurus buat latihan menjelang bulan Ramadan, semacam ‘pemanasan’ dan membiasakan diri. Apalagi Ramadan tahun ini saya akan berpuasa sambil bekerja di kantor secara penuh waktu, dan commuting dengan motor sejauh 13km sekali jalan. It’s a very big deal for me as the last time I worked in Ramadan was in 2014. Sisanya, diisi dengan kuliah atau mengerjakan tesis – yang sebenarnya enggak ringan juga. Tapi bukan bekerja yang membuat saya merasa berat. Belum-belum saya merasa sedih saat membayangkan seharian puasa itu tidak dimaksimalkan untuk salat sunah atau membaca Alquran. Yaaa, semoga ada cara agar Ramadan tidak terlewatkan begitu saja. Aamiin. 

Ma’la Bin Fadhal berkata: “Dulu Sahabat Rasulullah berdoa kepada Allah sejak enam bulan sebelum masuk Ramadhan agar Allah sampaikan umur mereka ke bulan yang penuh berkah itu. Kemudian selama enam bulan sejak Ramadhan berlalu, mereka berdoa agar Allah terima semua amal ibadah mereka di bulan itu. Di antara doa mereka ialah: Yaa Allah, sampaikan aku ke Ramadhan dalam keadaan selamat. Yaa Allah, selamatkan aku saat Ramadhan dan selamatkan amal ibadahku di dalamnya sehingga menjadi amal yang diterima.” (HR. at Thabrani: 2/1226). [Sumber]

Kembali ke saya, ternyata minggu lalu saya malah nge-drop. Sebenarnya ada andil dari psikosomatis yang saya alami, tapi saya enggak pernah sakit perut seperti itu! Hari Kamis saya putuskan tetap lanjut puasa sambil ‘mengistirahatkan’ perut, dan Alhamdulillah sakitnya hilang. Cumaaa, dehidrasinya semakin parah (ya iyalah). Terpaksa hari ini saya skip puasa dulu, terutama karena saya masih belum terbiasa motoran Denpasar-Gianyar (jauuuh, capeeek, punggung remeeek).

Bagaimanapun, berhubung saya sudah berkomitmen untuk pindah kos sejauh itu DEMI dekat dengan masjid, ya ‘mau enggak mau’ saya membiasakan diri untuk salat di masjid setiap isya’ (penginnya sih sejak sebelum magrib sudah standby di masjid, tapi biasanya baru nyampe kos). So, how is life in Gianyar? Kotanya kecil walaupun Gianyar justru merupakan pusat kabupatennya Ubud. Perbandingannya Gianyar mungkin Tulungagung, Jawa Timur. Sepertinya sejauh mata memandang, orang tinggal di Gianyar karena mengikuti suami/ayah yang menjadi tentara atau polisi. Ada juga mahasiswa sekolah perhotelan atau akademi pariwisata, tapi populasi warga yang lebih banyak adalah yang sudah berkeluarga. Makanya setiap kenalan di masjid atau ngobrol sama orang di supermarket (hahaha it’s not even a C*rrefour or Super*ndo), orang pasti heran sama saya. Kerja di Ubud, masih single, what the hell are you doing in this tiny city?    

Hingga saat ini saya pribadi belum begitu betah di Gianyar. Biar dikata Ubud is just too touristy, tapi orang-orang di Ubud sangat hangat dan ramah. But we’ll see, maybe I need 1-2 weeks more to be settled in this city. If not, I can always move back to Ubud. Entah mengapa, akhir-akhir ini saya enggak mau hidup saya dibuat susah atau repot oleh hal-hal ‘kecil’. Semua masalah di dunia ini PASTI ada solusinya. Kalau sampai belum kelar, ya mungkin memang belum waktunya. At least we tried, and we pray for it. So, whatever you are facing at the moment, don’t lose hope. Allah knows your struggle, He just wants to see your patience. Sampai kapan harus bersabar? Ya sampai nanti, sampai mati. :)

Lots of love,

Prima